Hosting or attending a holiday event after losing a loved usually can initiate a controversial conversation. Some encourage this and some frown upon the idea. Recently, a patient family loved one called distraught over a family member's chastisement resulting from a planned holiday celebration because she lost her husband only three months ago.
Are there guidelines for mourning vs. celebrating during the holidays? Is there a moratorium period after loss before one can celebrate the holidays? Can holiday celebrations actually be a way of honoring the life of the deceased? As with every aspect of grief, this becomes an individual decision. We each grieve differently and our grief journey will be different as well. I'm not familiar with any SOP (Standard Operating Procedure) that has yet been written to define the standard on grief.
Whether this is your first year without your loved one, on many years have passed, only you can make the decision on how to handle the holiday season. I do caution you to avoid denial and isolation, as this can prolong your grief journey. What was my response to my precious patient family? A chaplain exercise shared with loved ones that seems to bring peace with their decisions are as follows:
Ask yourself three questions:
1. What decision feels right for you?
2. What decision brings you less stress, anxiety, guilt, or regret?
3. What decision will help you in moving forward with your new life?
I encourage those who are supporting someone who is grieving to not place personal beliefs or feelings on the person who is grieving. You can support them best by being there for them in the decision that they make and the decision that is in the best interest of their grief journey. One might not believe in, or agree with, their decision or the way they choose to honor their loved one; however, remember there is no rule book (as far as I know). So, simply try to respect their wishes and offer encouragement and support. Of course, if you feel their decision could cause harm to them or others, then take necessary action.
The Christmas season is one of the most difficult times of the year for individuals who are grieving the loss of a loved one, and we encourage them to find meaningful ways to cope with this period. Choose activities that will allow you to cherish the memories and embrace your future. As you accept that the holidays will never be the same as they once were, begin to find ways to make this holiday meaningful, and look for the gifts and lessons learned from your loved one that you can share with others in the coming years.
John T. Catrett, III.
ONHL Hospice Chaplain
918.352-3080