Traditional mathematics that you learn in school has rules. Two plus two will always be four. If you have ten dollars and spend five, you have five dollars left. Spending money means you have less money. Girl math is different.
Girl math is a highly advanced mathematical system in which every purchase you make can be justified, refunds count as income, and anything paid for far enough in advance becomes free by the time you use it.
For example, concert tickets purchased six months ago are free on the night of the concert. That money was spent so long ago that it is no longer relevant. It doesn’t count. The concert simply appears on the calendar as a complimentary event.
The same rule applies to vacations. If the hotel room has already been paid for, the vacation is practically free. The only remaining expenses are food, gas, souvenirs and the new clothes that were obviously necessary for the trip.
Gift cards are also free money. It does not matter that you originally spent your own money to purchase the gift card or received it in exchange for returning something. Once the balance appears on that little plastic card, it’s basically free money. Whatever you buy with it costs nothing.
Returns are even better because a refund is considered added income. If you return a $40 shirt and then purchase a different shirt for $25, you did not spend $25. You actually made $15.
An accountant may disagree; your husband may not understand it, but they are using traditional mathematics, not girl math.
Girl math also understands that cash does not count in the same way as money in a bank account. Cash discovered in a coat pocket is a just an added blessing. Cash tucked away in a purse is an unexpected bonus. A twenty-dollar bill that has been sitting in the glove compartment since last winter may as well have fallen directly from the sky.
Change does not count at all until it is all collected in a jar and exchanged for actual bills. At that point, your coins just become surprise income.
Shipping costs are a whole other level of girl math that presents another opportunity for creative calculations. Paying eight dollars for shipping feels unreasonable, but adding twenty-three dollars’ worth of items to the cart to qualify for free shipping is responsible financial planning. Why waste eight dollars when you can spend 23 and receive additional products? Now that is called saving money.
Sale prices operate under similar rules. If a pair of shoes was originally $80 but is marked down to $40, buying them means you saved $40. Technically, you spent $40, but focusing on that part creates unnecessary negativity. So, in reality, when you find a good sale to shop its like a free therapy session to help work on positive thinking. At that point, not buying them would almost be mentally and financially irresponsible. We have to take care of ourselves, right?
Coffee doesn’t count because it contributes to productivity. A new outfit for an event doesn’t count because pictures will be taken, and you are supposed to dress to impress. Beauty products are actually investments. Home decorations improve property value. Lunch with a friend supports emotional wellness. There is a category for everything.
Of course, girl math is not intended to replace a budget, balance a checkbook or impress a loan officer. It is simply that happy little voice in the back of our heads that helps us feel better after buying something we probably did not need in the first place.
And before anyone criticizes the system, remember this: Criticizing girl math costs you nothing, and keeping your opinion to yourself also costs you nothing, but choosing silence is free. Girl math wins again.
Until next time, keep laughing, keep learning and keep it real.