A Messy Mothers' Day?
I always plan to hide on Mothers' Day. To bury myself under imaginative covers and avoid the flood of Mothers' Day messages on Facebook and all lovey dovey stories about Mothers. To lose myself in books and movies, and pretend this emotional day doesn't exist.
Can I openly confess that I have struggled with Mothers' Day! Some years I've felt angry and bitter, grieving deeply for my sisters and brothers and nieces and nephews. I also get mad that no one seemed to notice, and my new family will never get to know the most important lady in my life before their mother. Other years I've done as I planned to do this year - to avoid it, isolate myself and pretend it didn't exist. Yet other years I focused on my love for my mother and the grandmother of my nieces and nephews, and worked to ignore the pain and loss I felt.
For the past twenty - two years, Mothers' Day has mostly been about trying to avoid feeling too much. It's been a fight with myself between being visible and being invisible, arguing with myself about all the conflicting feel ings of anger and grief and love and sadness and fear.
I talk a lot about my precious mother in articles (I'm sure you haven't noticed), and this is what I call visible form expressed existence. As a chaplain, I work to give these "invisible mothers" an voice, recognition, and acknowledgement. Personally, I fight to figure out how I want to acknowledge and recognize and speak for myself, and as well as for others. I had planned to hide this year, avoid the dizzying array of conflicting feelings and just wait for the day to pass, but as I am writing this article I realized that hiding only serves to perpetuate invisibility. Hiding does not take away the pain or grief or sadness of this day. Avoiding the emotions of today will only serve to amplify those emotions - believe me, I've had plenty of experience with this! Hiding from this day doesn't serve me or anyone.
Not everyone will understand the pain that I and others feel on this day. I may never understand the joy that mothers have, when they are physically here with their children, they may feel on this day. (I’m not sure what you meant to say in this sentence. I corrected it in a way I hope is what you meant.) Everyone has their own experience of this day and likely people will always disagree on how it "should" be handled. I get that. And it’s okay.
Instead of hiding, I will live this day. I will feel whatever I feel and praise the Lord no matter what. I'll go to my beautiful memory bank and remember all the times that my precious mother and our family had together and acknowledge the pain. I'll rejoice with my wonderful wife as she receives gifts and joyous phone calls from her grown children and celebrates with her in that way. In my heart I’ll wish I could call my wonderful mother and feel happy that she's my mother and that she's still here with us.
I'll live this day with all it's messy and conflicting emotions because life is messy. Grief is messy. Motherhood is messy. Love is messy. If I can't avoid the mess, I might as well jump in, embrace it and enjoy the day!.
Happy Mothers' Day to each of you precious ladies!