By John T. Catrett, III
ONHL Hospice Chaplain Drumright, Oklahoma
Scissortail Hospice Chaplain Bristow, Oklahoma
No one escapes the emotional and physical pain of major loss; it is an inherent part of life itself. Yet, most who are mourning the death of a loved one are engaged in a variety of pursuits that increase pain and suffering. Why? Because much of what is learned about death and grief from the culture in which they live is pure rubbish.
If you want to increase the pain of your great loss, here are seven tips that will assist this pursuit.
Be determined to be strong and 'go it alone.' You are tough. You don't need a shoulder to lean on. Nor do you need anyone to bounce decisions off in adjusting to your life without the deceased. Rugged individualism must reign. Forget about the fact that you have every right to seek the assistance of friends, loved ones, and even professionals. Withdraw from those you trust and never seek the advice of those who have dealt with similar losses.
Try to keep putting it out of your mind. People who are mourning are constantly told to keep busy. The way they are encouraged to do this by friends, and sometimes counselors, is interpreted by the mourner to do everything to keep the thought of the loved one and the circumstances of the death out of their thoughts. This is an impossible task. Facing the pain by periodically talking and crying it out, for whatever length of time it may take (weeks, months, or years), should be sidestepped at all costs. You can't afford to accept the reality of the loss.
Dwell on what you should have done by using hindsight. Guilt is one of the most common emotions that heaps untold amounts of pain on a mourner. Keep thinking about 'if only I had' and 'I should have done' as much as possible; your grief will be lengthened, and you will continue to live in the past. You do not want to move forward and through this dark night of the soul. Let neurotic guilt keep spreading and contaminating your thoughts.
Choose not to smile or laugh because you are always supposed to be sad. Always listen to those negative thoughts. If you have a moment of reprieve from your grief and feel some relief from the pain, continue to believe that you are demeaning the memory of your loved one. You know he/she would want you to be sad every minute of the day for at least a year. Be sure that you turn down all offers to eat out or join a social gathering because it breaks the I-must-alwaysbe- sad taboo. Finally, at the end of the day, never focus on the little comforts and joy that unexpectedly came into your life on that day. Dismiss them as totally irrelevant.
Keep your anger alive and glowing by thinking about it, telling anyone who will listen why you are angry and making a firm commitment that you will never forgive. Yes, you know that your anger takes an enormous toll on your energy. However, even though forgiving the source of anger is the greatest freedom you can give yourself, holding onto on that inner rage will assure that you feel constantly tired and irritable. Guaranteed.
Never join a grief support group since they are only for people who are weak, and there is too much good information that you would learn from the facilitator. Remember, you do not want to be around others who are grieving, nor do you want to find a grief companion. This would help you make a dent in the loneliness cycle, and you would have an opportunity to talk with others who understand what you are going through. Heaven forbids that you find new friends that you can call on the telephone when the evenings become so difficult to deal with. And, you certainly don't want to have a good laugh, which surprisingly often happens in these meetings.
Make every effort not to express emotion, especially crying, as those around you will think you have no inner strength and are taking the easy way out. Even though each person has an inherent need to respond to the feelings generated by the death of a loved one, you will show them all that you can bury feelings of guilt, confusion, and anger within. It doesn't matter that you will become depressed due to this action because you can deal with that scourge too by isolating yourself in your house or apartment.
You will have to work hard to become accomplished in perfecting these seven skills. You can become and feel more miserable than any other griever you have known if you stay committed to shutting out the world and all who love you.
Is this Chaplain trying to use reverse psychology on us? Is he wanting us to grieve in a healthy way by doing the opposite of what he is suggesting in this article? Not a bad idea! John T. Catrett, III Scissortail Hospice Chaplain 306 North Main St., Suite E Bristow, Ok. 74010 918.352.3080