As a Hospice Chaplain nothing hits me harder than hearing a survivor confess that life no longer holds a reason to be alive. Conversely, there is no feeling of elation that compares to the feeling of giving loved ones years of their lives back that might have otherwise been lost to continuing grief and sorrow... That feeling is nothing short of PRICELESS!
While working with survivors, I've uncovered ‘Debilitating Beliefs’ that commonly cost far too many months, and even years, of extended grief, loneliness, sorrow, guilt and pain. However, the good news is, once perspective is altered, these ‘Debilitating Beliefs’ can be exposed for the myths they truly are - clearing a path for life altering healing to begin. Here are four of the more powerful ones, and it's high time that we decided to expose them:
Debilitating Belief #1: Moving On Means Leaving Your Loved One Behind! For many, this is the biggest roadblock of all. This is the epitome of adding insult to injury. Someone you love, and would have, in a heartbeat, given your life for, has been abruptly and unapologetically ripped from your loving arms and from this life. Now you're supposed to just be concerned about you - heartlessly leaving your loved one behind?
However, can you consider the idea that you're not leaving your loved one behind? What if instead, the real objective was to make a warm and comfortable place for your loved one in your heart - to bring your loved one along for the ride? What if your new life's purpose became to ultimately take up a mission that gives greater meaning to your loved one's life and everything that life stood for? What if what your loved one wants for you more than anything is to see you get unstuck - and to be able to see you smile? What if, instead of leaving your loved one behind, as in the case of survivors that have been helped, this became the epic shift that even more permanently seals your two hearts together for the annals of time? Would these ideas help you make a shift in your thinking?
Debilitating Belief #2: Crying Is Something Only Weak People Do! If you're like many, you have a fundamental belief that just about one of the weakest things you can do is cry. The lifelong conditioning typically begins when we're young - and is often particularly acute for males. Tears become weakness, and being perceived as weak is the last thing many of us would ever want to be.
However, what if you considered the fact that some of the strongest people cry sometime? What if some of the weakest people never shed a tear? What if one of the biggest enablers for sustained and unbearable grief is repressed emotions? What if tears have great physical, emotional and psychological benefits? What if false beliefs denied you the chance to heal?
Debilitating Belief #3: Talking Doesn't Solve Anything! This one seems to be a close sibling of the afore-mentioned 'crying is a sign of weakness' belief. Many have also been conditioned to believe that one must be really weak if one asks for help... So, instead of risking being perceived as weak, we tell ourselves talking doesn't solve anything. As it turns out, this is pretty ironic - since talking happens to be the means by which virtually everything has ever been solved.
What if real and lasting strength comes from talking about it? What if, by not doing so, it only causes the pressure, guilt, heartache and pain to be repressed - and grow? What if your days can immediately get better as soon as you commence getting the right help?
Debilitating Belief #4: There's Nothing Anybody Can Do! Then there's the widespread belief that grief just takes the time and toll it's going to take. That all are just at its mercy... That it is what it is - and there is nothing anyone can do... Once one buys into that lie that there is nothing that can shorten or lessen the impact in any way we wonder what possible hope can there really be for brighter days?
However, what if there are people with the insight and ability to fundamentally and profoundly help you? What if there are tools and perspectives you can be taught to use that would greatly empower your ability to take back your life? What if you can reclaim months, and even years, that grief would have otherwise stolen from your life? What if finding effective grief support is the key? What would the ability to permanently take back your life be worth to you? What could it be worth for your children and other loved ones?
What if your life isn't supposed to be over quite yet? What if there are still things, in honor of your loved one, you are supposed to do? What if you decided to reclaim your life starting today? With the right changes, perhaps better days are closer than you think.
John T. Catrett, III
ONHL Hospice Chaplain
(918) 352-3080