From Apology to Forgiveness!
Every relationship suffers from moments of disappointment. She brushes you off when you are opening your heart to her. He is always late and makes you wait for him. These are just the small things--not nearly as painful as infidelity, but the small things add up and soon resentment enters into your relationship.
That is when it's important to take action, because resentment is pernicious and can eat away at what was once a beautiful relationship. Without an apology and responding forgiveness, hurts develop and fester. Eventually they create a distance between you and your partner that becomes increasingly difficult to mend. As these hurts accumulate, you feel less and less close to your partner until a break seems inevitable.
Nevertheless, it does not necessarily happen. Even happy couples hurt each other. The secret is, they acknowledge the problem and make a genuine apology. This is especially difficult for some people, who feel diminished when they make an apology because they feel they are admitting to wrongdoing, but an apology is especially important to their partner, who feel it is necessary to repair the relationship. So successful couples learn how to apologize, forgive, and let go of the hurt. Easier said than done. Here are some guidelines to restoring your relationship through forgiveness: Remember you love your partner. You love him or her as a complete person with all the wonderful aspects and faults. You love another human being, and just like you, that human makes mistakes, but that person also has value, and was once precious to you. Rekindle your original thoughts and try to understand that person and how he or she could behave in a way that hurts you.
Accept your partner ... in the here and now, without letting the past come between you. Accept that the wrong has been done to you, and it is over now. You are still angry, hurt, upset, but the actual act of hurt is finished. You alone can complete the act by deciding not to let the past dictate your current emotions. You alone can acknowledge that the hurt is done, and cannot be undone. You can choose to release the painful past and accept your partner as he or she is right now.
Work through the pain. You and your partner need to understand what happened to cause the rift and how your partner could have possibly inflicted pain upon you. What were his or her intentions? If your partner's apology is genuine, what do you need from him or her to trust again? What do you need to let go of the hurt so you can move forward? This requires serious work together and may benefit from professional help.
Transform pain to promise. To accept an apology, you must be willing to risk it again. You must get back to a level of trust, even though it's entirely possible your partner may cause you hurt again. However,the memory of the wound you have suffered must heal into a greater maturity to exist in a place where the future of your relationship becomes possible to exist again. If this is not possible, then there is the danger of your relationship coming to an ugly end, but it’s all so preventable. It all starts with an apology from the heart. That then evolves into true forgiveness, which enhances the relationship in trust! If you are a believer in Jesus, try to remember just how much you have been forgiven!
Repair and reaffirm. If you do continue, you both need to feel your relationship is repaired and restored. You have to experience a mutual recognition that you, as a couple, have reached a new level. This alone can help bond you further and become a foundation for future growth together in love and respect.
John T. Catrett, III Scissortail Hospice Chaplain 306 North Main Street, Suite E Bristow, OK 74010 918.352.3080