No one is immune from the sad experience of grieving the death of a loved one. It is only until the death of a significant person in our life do we tend to quit denying its inevitability. We can accept the certainty of death and minimize the impact it has on the quality of our lives. Know in advance that when it does happen, it seems like the floor falls out from beneath us. If we are lucky, we get a crash course in grieving from a counselor, clergy person, or social worker.
No matter what we learn at that time, we have long been saddled with the burdens of half-truths and false beliefs perpetuated by well-meaning adults and a warped society. Many of these assumptions and beliefs make it difficult to reach the ultimate goal of the grieving process, which is accepting the reality of the loss and becoming a person of more depth and understanding. Acceptance means saying intellectually and emotionally, 'Yes, this is a change of paramount measure in our lives.”
Acceptance only comes through the concerted efforts of the person who is grieving. Contrary to an old piece of misinformation, time does not heal all wounds because the mourner shall not be the same as before the loss. Or, as a mother once said to me after the death of her seventeen-year-old son in a car accident, 'Time doesn't help unless you work between the minutes.'
The key element to understanding this is that you must take daily action toward acceptance and reinvesting in your life. All of this is easy to say but difficult to do. So what action should we take? Here are five elements to put into action for overcoming the soul-wrenching occurrence of grieving: Tell yourself every day and night that you will get through this dark soul-searching experience. What you say to yourself not only affects every cell in your body for good or for bad but it will profoundly influence your ability to take the much-needed actions that only you can start.
Although essential, positive self-talk alone is not a cure-all. You must create small successes for yourself to realize you can adapt to this significant life change. Make a plan to get you through this particular day (even the next hour) or one that you believe will be difficult for you. Find something and go for it, as it will strengthen your inner life. Maybe working part-time would be a success for you, or exercising, learning to swim by taking lessons at the YMCA, or doing your taxes by yourself for the first time.
Recognize how far you have come. When you review your day, give yourself credit for where you are in your journey. If it has only been a month or several months, note that you are still going and you will continue to persist. Every day you must tell yourself you will keep at it, and know that things will change for the better. Your consistent action to adapt will make the difference. Celebrate your progress with a friend you trust and who knows your pain.
Examine why you are where you are in your grief work. What skills have you used? Or what hidden talent have you uncovered that you didn't realize you had? Something has gotten you this far. Is it your ability to organize? Could it be your commitment? Maybe you possess a strong belief system. Is it your optimistic faith in humanity and God? Knowing you are not alone or how to relate to caregivers could be a big plus. Keep using whatever it is and working on developing it even more. In short, recognize your strengths and use them!
Start and end each day with gratitude memories. These can be especially useful when you feel that downward spiral of anxiety over your loss begin to creep in. Review each day for the good things that happened: an old friend unexpectedly called, you found the key you misplaced, got a raise in pay, your computer is working well. Whatever your “silver linings” are, take note and immerse yourself in the safe/warm/happy feelings they bring to you. You are giving yourself safe and sound mental health nurturing. Also, review your life with the deceased, and pick out some gratitude memories. Focus on all you received, and again immerse yourself in the feeling of being loved by him/her and a loving God.
In conclusion, your actions resulting in small successes will be the determining factor in eliminating unnecessary suffering from your time of mourning. In the process of adapting, get rid of the notion that you can't have some moments of joy and inner peace. We all need them to balance the sadness and negative thoughts that constantly seep into our thinking. It's okay to smile, feel good, or have a laugh without feeling guilty. That's part of the action you can take and another small success. It will recharge you as you return to continue adapting to your significant loss.
John T. Catrett, III Scissortail Hospice Chaplain 306 North Main Street, Suite E Bristow, OK 74010 918.352.3080