ONHL Hospice Chaplain Drumright, Oklahoma
I Am Not Mad!
Every so often, I notice angry people surrounding me. People start slamming doors or cutting me off in traffic. Even the movies and television shows I watch seem tohaveangrycharacters! When that happens, it is the perfect time to stop,pause,and reflect. What is around us is also inside us. If I am noticing angry people, there’s an angry Chaplain John somewhere insideme. Readonto learn how to identify your own anger. This is an especially important read if you don’t think of yourself as angry. The deeper our anger is buried, we will find it freeing to learn to overcome it.
The first and foremost step to release anger is to admit we have a problem with anger. People may say they never are angry, yet their faces are red and their body language projectshostility. Many people claim they never get angry because they think it’s a sin or weakness. Anger is an emotion, just like sadness or joy, and it is only natural to feel angry sometimes. When we don’t admit our anger, the people around us feel they are walking on eggshells in order to not to set us off. This is called “energetic balance.” That is a lot of pressure to put on our loved ones. The person who is visibly angry seems out of control, irrational, and even childish. It is essential to take responsibility for our anger. Each one of us has anger.
For some, anger is like hot burning coals, never flaring up but always seething. For others, anger is a volcano, waiting for the next opportunity to erupt. For those with chronic anger challenges, anger is like a raging fire, burning down everything in its path. Anger can be revealed in many ways, from barbed comments or sarcastic observations, to punching a wall or a person. When you can actually admit that you know what anger feels like, it frees both you and the people around you. However, you can overdo it and use your anger as an excuse for your behavior. Be careful, as this is your ego’s way of excusing your anger so you don’t have to resolve your anger issues. While anger is natural, it is not a license to act in harmful ways.
There are different ways people behave when they are angry, and it’s important to know how you react under stress. You may become quiet and give death looks to the person that upset you. On the other hand, you may retreat inside yourself, unwilling to forgive even when the “bad guy” has said sorry a hundred times. You may get very vocal and tell everyone you know what made you angry and what you are going to doaboutit. Youmaybeconfrontational and address the issue right away, or leave it alone, only tobringitupyearslater. You might leave abruptly, taking time to cool off, then return like nothing happened. (This is very frustrating to others.) Finally,you may have healthy ways of dealing with your anger, such as journaling, running, or screaming into a pillow, which is still a bit dramatic.
When you are really under pressure, tired, hungry, broke, grouchy, or nothing is working out right, you will tend to return to your childhood ways of dealing with anger. The key to knowing your style is honesty. When you are really angry, I mean seriously steamcoming- out-of-the-ears fuming, you might feel like you are about two years old. What do two-yearolds dowiththeiranger? They throwtantrums! Tantrumsare very useful at two, as it is a way for the two-year-old to release emotional energy. Tantrums in adults are not healthy, nor are they attractive. Knowing how you handle anger will prevent you from slipping into two-year-old behavior, enabling you to have healthy alternatives to express your anger. Feeling your full range of emotions is good for your health. People whocan’taccesstheir emotions often get physical manifestations oftheirpentupfeelings, which is why late onset of chronic illness is so pervasive in our culture. Those who are stoic will often have their lives fall apart at some crucial point, as the Self is always striving for balance; emotional health is as important asotherformsofhealth. However, those who indulge in their emotions are so mired in lower level emotions that they never discover the happier emotions. When coming to a balance point with emotional health, it is crucial to promise no harm. This means you take full responsibility for your feelings. Stop blaming other people for how you feel! No one can make you angry; they only activate the anger that is already inside of you. Promise yourself and the people you love that you will not cause harm. Expressing anger will become a safe and accessible exercise.
There are countless programs to helpwithangerissues. Most models have two things in common: pace and space. Pace is about slowing things down. When unhealthy anger is involved, things move quickly, harsh or hurtful things are said or done. Slow down when you are angr y. Count to ten, hum a tune inside your head, or focus on something beautiful in the room. Slow down your words, slow down your actions, and slow down your breathing. Breahing is an impor tant one, as deep breaths create a calming effect in the body. It is healthy to leave a situation if you feel like harm will come by staying. Thekeyistotellthe other person you will be back; otherwise, the issue never gets resolved, and the other person is lef t withoutclosure. Youcanalso simply move into another room. If you are arguing in the famil y room, quietly move to the kitchen. Make yourself sit down during an argument, as it will naturally relax the whole atmosphere. Try not to have heated discussions in a confined space (such as a car!), as it can make the other person feel trapped and therefore defensive.
Anger is normal and natural. It is when we over indulge in it, or deny it completely, that it becomes problematic. Follow the tips above, and you will be on your way to better cope with the angry people in your life (and your own anger, of course!). John T. Catrett, III Scissortail Hospice Chaplain 306 North Main Street, Suite E Bristow,OK 74010 918.352.3080