The many emotions of grief are usually compounded with guilt and regret for things said, things not said, or things done or not done. One often can't get beyond forgiving themselves or others who directly or indirectly affected the loss. This is not only a challenge for those who have lost a loved one to death, but results from many losses in life, such as divorce, foreclosure, relationships, finances and the like.
An important step in the process of moving beyond these emotions and moving forward with life is to accept that this has happened and it is real. You don't like it, but you can't change what has happened in the past. What you can do, however, is to make a decision that you will do whatever is necessary to move forward, to now believe and know that your life going forward can have meaning and purpose.
After accepting this fact, a great exercise is to write a thank you letter or a goodbye letter. This letter should be in whatever form makes you the most comfortable. It can be a goodbye letter to your deceased loved one, a failed business, an unfortunate situation that you experienced, etc. At the same time, if you can find the positive, or a sense of gratitude in that seemingly negative situation, it can be a thank you letter. The letter that you write can be to a person, to a situation, or to yourself.
When writing this letter, in most cases it will not actually be sent. This is an exercise for you to emotionally move forward. You can look at it as a form of journaling. If you are saying goodbye to a deceased loved one, write the letter to them, even though they will not receive it (or maybe they will if written before their death), and then discard the letter. Holding on to it might delay you moving forward with your grief. You are not saying goodbye to the person; you are saying goodbye to your grief while cherishing the memories.
Hopefully, by writing such a letter, you will release some of the anxiety and stress that accompanies these emotions of grief and loss. You should be able to let go of many of the 'if only I had' that you currently harbor. Use this exercise to say all of the things that you did say, all of the things that you didn't say, and all of the things you now wish to say. I have had close patients whose family members have used this exercise. They have written letters that have become a meaningful article that was published and encouraged many people in their grief journey. So have fun with this exercise, which is part of the process as you move forward from grief to gratitude.
John T. Catrett, III Scissortail Hospice Chaplain 306 North Main Street, Suite E Bristow, OK 74010 918.352.3080