Walk Beside Me
Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.
Walk beside me and be my friend!"
~Charles Caleb Colton~
My life suddenly changed when my sweet wife of my youth left me, and oddly so did many of my friends. Recently, I met with a longtime fellow minister. The empathy he shared with me during my early stage of grief was wonderfully unconditional. I hadn't seen him in years. We hugged and talked about our lives since we had last spoken. As we chatted, I gazed upon my friend and was reminded once again of his warmth and support – it still glowed! Suddenly, it hit me! This was exactly what was different about him from so many other of my other friends. His genuine deep-seated, honest-to-goodness caring made him a loyal, comforting friend when so many others during that very difficult period of my life suddenly disappeared.
Grief and tragedy has a way of sorting out those who remain "true" friends and those who suddenly vanished. I was puzzled by this enigma, and like I've been doing with other aspects of my life since that heartbreaking time, I decided to reflect on this fact Did my profound grief, which was no doubt uncomfortable for my friends and acquaintances, change our relationship? Or was it something more than that?
For many years, my minister friends and I enjoyed social activities that included our spouses. When my wife left, I didn't hear from many of these couples for years! There are a few I still haven't heard from and it has been four decades. Yes, some I’ve called – others I haven't. It’s really confusing. One day a minister friend called and apologized and asked for forgiveness for ignoring and ostracizing me, and this touched my heart and brought some healing to my soul.
In my journey through grief, I've learned not everyone who was your friend before your loved one left will be your friend during and after your grief and mourning. I believe that my friends changed because they didn't know how to deal with their own uncomfortable feelings. Additionally, they didn't know how to deal with the emotions I was experiencing and expressing. I felt confident that this was all there was to it... until now. Now, I know above and beyond these valid assumptions there was something more.
An even greater reason for the disintegration of relationships was the fact that as I changed; I grew in a different direction… away from them. This isn't a "bad" thing, however, I was struck by the significance of my initial reaction that my friends didn't know how to be part of my grief, or how to be my friend when I needed them most. I felt betrayed. Through an unstated mutual agreement, we casually drifted apart. They were no longer able to meet my personal needs and I was destined to "grow" from my experience.
Being a companion in grief is a learned experience for some. It requires taking cues from the bereaved that need to hear the name of their loved one, tell their story, and talk about their experience. We encourage our group participants to establish their personal criteria for relationships with friends that will grow with them through their grief and shattered dreams. Here are the criteria I found important for me. Your criteria might be different.
A A friend in grief and tragedy is someone you can confide in and trust with your most sensitive feelings and thoughts. In return, you should be able to expect confidentiality.
A A friend is not judgmental and allows you to say what you need to say without trying to alter your expression of anger, fear, disappointment, hurt or sadness. These are necessary emotions of grief that help you work through your loss.
A A friend is willing to listen, sometimes just sharing the silence with you, and accepting your quiet space and your open tears.
A A friend in grief encourages you to share your memories and talk about events in the life of your loved one.
A A friend keeps in touch and spends time with you for as long as it takes. A friend in grief is there when others walk away. A A friend in grief will encourage you to reach out and explore your feelings and eventually create new dreams.
My family, church family and several preacher friends have been my true friends. Many admitted often that they couldn't imagine what I was going through. Initially, many believed my pain would heal best if I put my loss behind me, moved on, and forgot about my pain. After a period of time, they realized that would not happen.
The friendships lost during this painful time, but also gained during this time were critical to my personal and spiritual growth. People came into my life for different reasons, possibly to teach me or walk with me for a time; and at different seasons, often people, even children, that I met maybe for a day – a week – a year; or my delicate, precious next wife who bathed me in love and allowed me to love her fully before she passed (but that is another story). Sadly, only a few remained for a lifetime! Let's savor every friendship for what it means to us at the time; we'll be able to accept the few that are no longer around when we feel our greatest need for them. When a friendship changes, allow yourself to let go of that relationship. You are not responsible for its loss. There is a new friend waiting to step into our lives.
In my early days of grief, I found a poster to hang in my office and it still applies today.
“Who knows the joys that lie ahead
The secret smiles I'll find,
The friends I'll meet
The memories sweet,
The cares I'll leave behind.
Who knows the beauty of the days,
I've never seen before.
My only wish for life is this
The courage to explore.
(~Author unknown)
Those who were genuine friends during this difficult time that met all the above criteria, God bless you! I will always remember you fondly! They were willing to walk beside me during the darkest moments. They encouraged me to find the meaning in my grief experience. Looking back now, I'm grateful for all my friends – those that walked with me and even those who walked away. In each circumstance, they gave me the freedom to grow in Christ-likeness – love them regardless, to forgive them, to shake the dust off and continue on… for there has been so much more to enjoy since!