Unnecessary suffering ... when mourning the death of a loved one ... can be minimized and eventually eliminated. How? By becoming aware of some of the prevailing grief myths and forming the intent to abandon them. Then, face the legitimate pain that is a part of all loss experienced and let it work through you unimpeded.
Yes, legitimate pain is inescapable; no one gets a free pass. Suffering is part of every life at a variety of turning points. But unnecessary suffering needs to be recognized for just what it is ... a joy zapping way of increasing the intensity of your grief. Know there are steps that one can take that will lead to its elimination. Here are some positive steps that we can take.
Learn how to block repetitive sad, negative thoughts without feeling guilty. We are not expected to grieve twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. We can also make every effort to reduce the intensity of emotion and those of repetitive negative thought patterns by choosing to substitute a loving thought at some point when inundated with hurtful thoughts.
'No one can create negativity or stress within you,' said internationally renowned author and speaker Wayne Dyer. 'Only you can do that by virtue of how you process your world.' Change the way you look at your loss and how you are willing to adapt to it. Then go to work on your thought patterns and accept that you can't change what has happened. You can, however, control what happens inside of you. That is where you focus.
Get out of your house or apartment regularly. Many mourners take timeouts away from the house as they grieve to reduce the reminders that set off more painful thoughts. Decide what part of the day is more difficult for you to deal with, morning or afternoon. Then get out into the healing environment of nature or have an errand to run. Find something constructive to do outside the home.
In the evening, which is usually the most difficult for many, have a telephone buddy you can call or who will call you. Plan to make contact with someone on a daily basis. It is important not to isolate yourself. It will also help to rearrange the furniture in a particular room that you are most sensitive to or even remove or replace furniture.
Choose a wise listener. Have a heart-to-heart with your best friend daily, if possible; it is your best medicine. Choose this person very carefully. It may not be a family member. Perhaps someone you seem to connect with because you trust the person and know he or she respects you. Ask the person if you can 'use' him/her as a sounding board for the most frequent pain-producing thoughts you experience. Tell them they are not required to provide any answers or advice but that you may wish to ask for an opinion on occasion.
Walk.Walk.Walk. Don't let a day go by without using the much needed physical expression of pent-up emotion. Walking is a physical release for all of the anxiety that adds to the tension in muscles. Map out a route that you like and where you will be able to say hello to others. Again, even though you would like to stay hidden away, human contact is a major way back from unnecessary suffering. Some mourners choose to go to a local fitness center or walk the mall. You will meet others who are at various stages in dealing with loss and change. The odd thing to remember, the loss of a loved one affects all of us--at all stages of life.
Build a new relationship with the deceased. Get rid of the big myth: You must find closure and get on with your life. In reality, you can establish a new relationship with your loved one and reinvest in life at the same time. You do not have to forget about the beloved. In fact, establishing a new relationship with the deceased is one of the major goals of mourning. There is no such thing as closure if it means you are always supposed to put your beloved in the past. That is totally unrealistic and unnecessary. He or she will live in your heart, and that remains just a thought away. Your relationship has changed, and you remember the good times so much more than the bad. You begin to remember the fun times much more often than the sad. You have been changed by that relationship for the remainder of your life, and that is okay.
In summary, keep in mind what psychiatrist Viktor Frankl observed, 'When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.' You can make those changes and eliminate the seemingly culturally dictated suffering that has no true basis in the life you want to live. Go ahead! Choose to not go along with the myths of staying secluded, finding closure, putting your loved one always in the past, and grieving without a daily diversion. You have every right to take care of yourself as you adapt to your great loss while finding your new life with new friends and acquaintances, identifying your new relationship with your lost loved one, and getting out into the sunshine!
John T. Catrett, III Scissortail Hospice Chaplain 306 North Main Street, Suite E Bristow, OK 74010