A door closing, a sweet note from you that we found in a book, your voice on the answering machine, a final text we cherish forever, a picture of your lovely smile, words that echo in our hearts where you say you are sorry for putting us through this ordeal … all insignificant until they become sweet memories set down in time. These are the moments of a final goodbye we never forget. All that is left of a lifetime of hopes and dreams that will never be fulfilled.
A stillness lies within these moments; time has stood still in the oddest way. We remember milliseconds of extreme trauma in our lives. Somehow, we notice the smallest things, even the gentle breeze that moved the leaves outside the window as we stare at a world that is forever changed. Someone we loved is gone, leaving only the certainty that nothing will ever be the same. A bird chirps, ice cubes drop into the tray, all those daily sounds that never mattered are amplified as they jolt us back to the reality of this new moment in time. It's a new memory we will never forget; this is the moment when shock begins to protect us until we are ready to emerge.
Shock is a state of mind that allows our brains to function on autopilot while our emotions remain frozen, shielding us from a pain so unendurable we need time to absorb it slowly. It is a built-in protective response our Creator endowed all of us with, understanding the pain we may someday be forced to endure. How do we emerge from this? Slowly, after the nausea passes, after the fear of a life without the one who has left has dimmed, and all of the things required of us are behind us, our emotions begin to emerge one day at a time. Like a child peeking out from a hiding place, we step carefully back into those daily tasks we never had to think about. We are emerging.
It is a slow process, repairing something as vital as a broken heart. Time really is your best friend; denial and delusion your worst enemies. Like choosing to jump into a cold lake rather than slowly entering, you may elect to absorb the pain as quickly as your emotions will allow you to do so. It is akin to choosing surgery rather than a lengthy process that may not be as effective. You are going to survive and begin a new normal; you choose the path that permits your own healing to be complete.
You will never replace the one who has been lost; save yourself the added pain and cherish the memories, those special moments in time we have left to hold closely. You may choose to run and hide from the pain, only to learn it is the shadow that follows you everywhere. You can be angry ... angry at the cause of the loss, angry at others’ responses to your loss, even angry at God for not changing the events that led to the loss. As time passes, you will accept that every person has his or her own life plan. No matter how much they may love you and hate to leave you, they arrived with their own personal plan with an exit that thankfully did not include you. It is OKAY to let go of the pain and treasure the best that is left from shared love.
Something happens deep within all of us when we have suffered the pain of a loved one being ripped from our life; our heart feels broken beyond repair. Will you ever be the same, having survived the unimaginable? No. You are forever altered, far more than your life has been altered. You are left with the gifts of understanding, compassion, empathy, and survival instincts that are newly honed. This is the cement that put the pieces of your broken heart back into place, carefully applied by a loving Creator. You are stronger having survived this. We rarely emerge from this kind of trauma without learning what is really important and with a deeper faith in their value. It is here that we gain a new understanding of how important those special moments really are. We learn to cherish them before they become our last precious memories.
John T. Catrett, III Scissortail Hospce Chaplain 306 North Main Street, Suite E Bristow, OK 74010