An Observation
One of the real difficulties we find, especially as we get older, is that people we have known for years begin to die as one generation is replaced by the next. When we are young, we think we are invincible and will live forever; and that death is just something for old folks. But as we advance in years, the shadow of death creeps upon us and death makes its presence known as friends, acquaintances, and family around us pass away. The challenge we face is how to deal with the grief from the loss of loved ones and the fear of knowing that the same inevitable fate awaits us too.
There is a process to grieving, and understanding that process can help. It typically runs through stages following the path of denial/isolation, anger, bargaining, depression/guilt, and finally acceptance. Most people go all the way through these stages, often without recognizing them, and each person progresses through at their own pace. If you keep this process in mind as you deal with those who grieve, it may be easier to help them through it. You can't move them along in the process any more quickly, but you can empathize with an understanding of their needs at that stage in the process.
Now, I'm no expert in these matters, but my knowledge comes from three sources. First, through having researched this while watching others go through the grieving process. Second, through studying of the Bible and understanding death from a Christian perspective. Thirdly, through experiencing it myself in losing precious friends, grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, mother, father, brothers, and a wonderful wife.
In attending a number of funerals and memorial services over the years, this chaplain has noticed the stark contrast in the responses of Christians (those that were actively engaged with God in a personal relationship) as compared to those without an active and personal faith with in God. Both groups grieved for the loss of loved ones, but the ongoing process was uniquely different. In what way you might ask? The non-nominal Christian participate loved ones moutners were sorrowful to the point of being inconsolable. Some mourners were so distressed that they never got out of the grieving process and in some cases lived the rest of their own life as if in suspended animation, so great was their suffering. When you have no understanding of the purpose of life, then death is a dark mystery. The finality and shock of death is so absolute it appears to be the end of the world.
However, when observing the reaction of believers in Jesus who have lost loved ones, the resulting impact on the mourners led to a different outcome. They still grieved and mourned and still went through the grieving process, but they generally come out of it differently, and with a different perspective. So what is the difference between these two different groups of people? A small little word with a huge force! Hope.
Believers have a faith based on hope that helps them to stand strong during times of crisis. Christianity promises a future of hope for all who believe and that death, as they understand it, is not the end. Born again people trust that those in Christ who pass away in this life will rise again. So they take reassurance in this hope. They also take comfort in the knowledge that our loved ones have gone to a better place with the Lord. This is the difference that faithful and active Christians have when faced with the death of a loved one.
The alternative for a non-active or part-time norminal believer is fear: fear of the unknown. They have no knowledge of what happens next or if anything happens at all. They have no hope. Many think that they are here for this life only, and beyond this life there is nothing. Therefore, they have no hope for the future, and loved ones who have passed away lost will never be seen again. This breeds fear when faced with death. Remember, we are responsible for either nourishing our relationship with Christ Jesus or the failing to nourish any relationship at all with the Son of God. God is knocking at the door of our lives! The question is,have we opened that door or will we open that door?
In some cases there is also the fear that says, 'What if the Lord is right about His promises? What happens to me because I chose not to believe? What if I gambled and lost?' The consequences must seem quite grim when confronted by these kinds of questions.
So a choice needs to be made ... and made while there is still time. To choose to follow Christ with the benefits of a hope for the future and peace of mind when faced with life's greatest mystery ... or to gamble that maybe there is no future. The fascinating thing is that whichever path you choose, you will be right! Choose Christ and enjoy the hope of a positive future, or choose to ignore Christ and be assured there will be no future of hope. Any way you look at it, the latter is a gamble and not a bet you could win.
John T. Catrett, III Scissortail Hospice Chaplain 306 North Main Street, Suite E Bristow, OK 74010