Natural Response
When we feel a loss, we experience an array of emotions. Some of these emotions can be extremely debilitating and confusing. Let us face the honest truth: embarking on the grieving process is not easy, and it certainly is not fun. Still, many times we are not ready, consciously or subconsciously, to face these feelings. So we ignore them. We set them aside and continue living our lives, pretending things are okay. We are merely delaying our grief, and in the least expected moments, these feelings can surface in different ways, leaving us feeling even weaker and more confused as ask ourselves: Why does this happen?
Why do we delay our grief ?
Is it a natural reaction of human beings to avoid experiencing pain and despair?
In my journey of assisting people facing a variety of losses, I have come to realize the phenomenon of delayed grief is not unusual. This happens for a multitude of reasons. Sometimes we are numb because the pain is just too vast, and we unconsciously evade the realization of the loss. We instead choose to disconnect from our new reality. Other times, we get so busy trying to handle things related to the loss that we have no energy to grieve. We put our heartache 'on the shelf ' and say to ourselves: I do not have time to deal with this now. I will do it later.
Still, you may start finding yourself becoming more irritable or snapping at people close to you. Maybe you will find yourself having problems concentrating, feeling lethargic, or getting easily upset. You may go through all these emotions without really understanding the 'why questions' without understanding they have to do with the loss you have experienced. These are symptoms of unprocessed grief.
Furthermore, because grief is the natural response to a significant loss, it is not limited to the loss of a loved one. These are just a few examples of situations that may result in the delay of the grieving process:
• The bereaved needs to take care of legal issues after the death of their loved one, such as an inheritance, or possibly a trial in the case of a homicide.
• In a divorce, there may be issues with the custody of children or division of property.
• If you experience health-related issues, a greater focus may be placed on the surgery, the treatment, or trying to be resilient in front of the family.
• In the case of a move, we may get so involved with the planning that we may not realize we will miss what is familiar and comforting to us.
If you have confronted any of these situations and are experiencing any of these emotions, listen to them and connect with your inner self. Keep in mind that when we delay grief, it does not mean ithasdisappeared. Ithas only been suppressed and may resurface in other ways that leave us drained and without energy. Grief is like a tsunami that comes over us and takes us by surprise. We may say, 'What happened? Before the loss, I was so strong emotionally. Now, after this loss, I am weak.” It is not that you are weak you are grieving. Embrace that grief; do not mask it or ignore it. Look at those pictures, write in your journal, orshare your feelings with someone who can listen with an open heart. It is important that we truly grieve that is what matters the most.
First and foremost, remember that compassion starts with ourselves. Be gentle with yourself. Remember when you transform your loss, “You Transform Your Life!”
John T. Catrett, III Scissortail Hospice Chaplain 306 North Main Street, Suite E Bristow, OK 74010 918.352.3080