In my years as youth minister, preaching minister, and now a hospice chaplain, I have observed that the strongest regrets are those from people who lost a loved one to death. I have heard comments like, 'I wish', 'if only', 'it's not fair', 'why?’ and so many others. These regrets can consume a person to the point that they feel paralyzed, living a guilt-ridden life and a very frustrated existence.
Most of us have regrets. We regret a missed opportunity or a wrong committed sometime in the past. Sometimes these feelings develop into strong regrets, while at other times they diminish into minor ones, but no matter what, dealing with regrets is something that each of us has to do.
Now here are three thoughts that maybe you haven’t thought of before, and these thoughts can be a blessing and an encouragement to you and your family. REGRETS SHOW THAT YOU CARE; NEVER WALLOW IN REGRETS, and USE THE LESSONS THAT REGRETS TEACH! This is what we need to think about.
If you had no regrets, you would not care. In the case of the death of someone near and dear, we would need to be concern for someone who claims relationship or friendship with the departed and yet has no regrets. Regrets demonstrate the level of love and care that we have for such a person. Regrets also demonstrate that we are now fully aware of the missed opportunities. So in a very real sense, regrets are good. If we don't have any regrets we may be calloused and hardhearted, or are simply unaware of the opportunities that have slipped by us.
Regrets have a sad attraction to us as we feel the need to wallow in them. We whip ourselves with these regrets often because of a conscience. However, wallowing in these regrets is counterproductive. This robs the person you love of all the other things they accomplished in life. If you focus only on what you didn't do with them instead of focusing on them, you are setting yourself up for a lot of hurt and needless pain for the future.
If we viewed guilt and regret as a God-given response to teach us lessons, then we are on the upward road of being healed and whole again. Regrets are selfish only if we are not willing to learn from them. They can teach us some important things about life and about ourselves. But wallowing in them is purely a selfish endeavor. It keeps us from living, loving and laughing. It keeps us from realizing all the things that we did do and accomplish with this precious loved one that we miss so dearly now. Let’s keep our focus upon what this cherished loved one meant to others and us. Regret can derail this important element in our grieving process.
Regrets show us that we can't afford to miss any more opportunities. If you lost someone close to you, don't let your regrets keep you from those still alive. Take the lessons that you learned and try not to miss any important opportunities to share your heart with others. Spend more time thinking about others. Ask yourself, if so-and-so died today, what regrets would I have? Better yet, if I died today what regrets would others have towards my life and me with them? Then go out and do something about it. Regrets allow us to realize what is most important in our lives.
Our regrets ought to show us where our values are. We can use that to inspire us for the future. As a responsible, reasonable and caring individual, we can use these regrets to motivate us to learn from our mistakes. We all regret some of the things we have done in our lives. I regret some of my choices, but having a loving and forgiving relationship with my family and with God allows me to focus on what I can still accomplish, the things I can still do, and the choices that are still before me. Regrets can be a very powerful, proactive stimulus in our lives that can benefit us in wonderful ways if we allow it and be willing to act upon it.
John T. Catrett, III
ONHL Hospice Chaplain
124 East Broadway,
P.O. Box 1216
Drumright, Ok 74030
918.352.3080