Psychologists know that grief comes to us in stages: disbelief, anger, bargaining. Initially, we may well experience great tsunamis of emotion that flood our minds and hearts. Some days we can barely even think. While stages of grieving can last anywhere from a few days to several weeks, months, and even up to five years or longer, sometimes we might miss a stage. Occasionally, some people experience certain stages more than once. Intense emotion leaves us feeling completely drained and, naturally enough, we want a period of reprieve. This may come in many forms.
Some choose to immerse themselves in work or other activities, seeing ”keeping their head down” as a good way to keep at least some of the emotions at bay. Focusing on business or areas where logic is at the forefront can be a method of shutting down those parts of the brain that deal with emotion. It's using the right side of the brain: logical, rational, reasoning. ”Keeping busy” is probably what our friends would advise, no doubt followed by the endorsement,“It's for the best.”
But is it? Certainly focusing on work-related matters can appear to be a positive approach, providing we don't attempt to make any major, irreversible decisions without at least running it by a trusted, cool-headed colleague first. It is sound advice to avoid making major decisions in any area of life within twelve-to-eighteen months following bereavement. We might think we know what we're doing, but we are vulnerable and not always as clear-sighted as we feel we are.
Certainly, work is a lot less destructive than some behaviors— excessive drinking, for example—in an attempt to forget. Incidentally, drinking might work for an hour or two, but in the long run it will potentially create a whole host of additional problems. Don't go that route, no matter how desperate you feel you are for respite.
For some, anger and desperation over our inability to control life and death can be so intense, it's almost a psychotic episode. Does this mean you're going insane? Are you literally being ”driven mad with grief?' The short answer is ”no”. And that's a definite ”NO”.
Your life has changed, but you will return to a form of normal life. There is no timetable to grieving, so don't give yourself one. Don't allow others to impose any suggestions of one either. You will go at your own pace, and despite what well-meaning friends may tell you, the ”time to move on” is when you feel good and ready to move on, and not before. You will find that friends and family will want to believe that you are ”better,” and no doubt you will want to stop causing worrying to your family. This sets up a cycle of behaving as though you are much happier simply to stop them being so concerned about you, but then finding them to be less supportive. You may also find people around you unwilling to discuss the bereaved with you; perhaps they feel awkward talking about death, or maybe they think they might upset you, or “say the wrong thing.'
If you find this is the case, or if you believe that you need help moving on, perhaps you could consider seeing your medical doctor. Your doctor will be able to recommend a counselor, someone you can really talk to and who will be more than willing to devote as much time as it takes to help you through this. There are times when we need an expert,whether that be in the field of physical or mental health. It's a fallacy that if you ignore your emotions, they will somehow just “go away.” Emotions are symptoms of your mental health. Much in the same way that physical symptoms shouldn't be ignored, neither should your feelings. You will find that suppressing emotion is a bit like compressing an inflated balloon; bits will pop out in different places, sometimes in the form of psychosomatic symptoms: migraines, ulcers, a general feeling of being unwell. Psychosomatic illnesses are real diseases that may have been triggered by stress.
So, what's the answer? Deal with the stress. Sounds glib, but it's the only way to move on with the journey toward closure. How you deal with it is up to you: counseling, art therapy, developing a hobby, volunteering with a charity for needy people, getting physical with an exercise, writing in a journal about your life, or better yet, writing articles like this crazy guy and submitting them to newspapers and magazines. Writing is great therapy! Whatever works for you. I only ask one thing; believe in yourself. Give yourself permission to take as much care of yourself as you would of someone you really cared for. Stop making demands of yourself. Give up any expectations of how you should be ”strong and coping,' and just be nice to yourself. Give yourself time. You will get through this, and difficult as this may be to believe, one day you will wake up without that leaden vacuum inside you. You will once again see the point of doing those things that used to interest you or be able to take up something new. Oh yes, enjoy the journey!
John T. Catrett, III Scissortail Hospice Chaplain 306 North Main St. Suite E Bristow, OK 74010