Scissortail Hospice Chaplain Bristow, Oklahoma
We often think of losing a loved one when we think of a loss, but loss can be much more than that. A loss can range from giving up on a dream, to changes in a friendship, to disappointments, to betrayal. It can be a physical loss: eye sight, hearing, death or sickness, or a material loss--a fire or a car accident. It can also be a relational loss that causes great emotional stress.
Loss is as much a part of life as laughter and joy. Learning to live with our losses is a part of living life to the fullest. I can't say I've mastered that yet, but I have learned a few lessons along the way. May I share a few of them with you?
Peoplemeanwell! Sometimes, people are clueless as to what to say...and it will show. I would like to share with you, you don't have to say anything. Just let people know that you're thinking of them. Isn’t it amazing that when we need someone the most, they don't show up, mainly because they don't know what to say. That hurts. The reality is it's just too awkward for most of us. In the midst of our pain, they too, are dealing with the pain of knowing what to say, but remember, silence sometimes is golden. Just being there says a lot!
Give yourself space! This is a big one. Too often we just want to feel better. Even those around us want us to feel better. Which is okay, unless it's a cover up for the pain and numbness we feel. We need to give space for the numbness. It includes taking time to just be alone--with God, with nature, or with a special activity. It may include being with special loved ones who were also close to the loss. Being together is very healing.
Give yourself time! Time? Don’t put a deadline on when we are going to get over this loss. It's more about realizing that the loss is a part of our journey and that it will always be a part of our journey. We don't necessarily get over it, it just becomes a part of our life experience. Eventually, the loss can become a part that we can use to help others.
Laugh! Hang out with friends that love to laugh. Laughter eases tension and stress; it helps our bodies relax. I've attended a number of funerals over the past few years as a minister and chaplain. There is nothing like being together after the funeral when the laughter begins. We've just walked a very tough journey…we know the journey forward will be tough. But, in the moment of being together, something strikes our funny bone. Suddenly everything becomes funny. That is an incredible healing moment as well as miracle. It's okay to laugh. It's needed. We,the Catrett’s,laugh at almost every funeral (the exception is when we know that our cherished family member has never accepted Jesus as their Savior) because we think about every funny thing we can remember about our precious loved one and share it with each other. When we leave to go to our separate homes in different cities and states, our sides and cheeks hurt from either laughing so much, or crying so hard if they are the exception.
Giving up our rights! We often think we have rights. 'That was my child.' 'That was my job.' 'That was mine.' It's so easy to get into the 'mine' mode. Instead, I try to think of myself as a steward of what I have. It's not easy to do, but I think it is a healthier attitude. What about the gift of another breath? The gift of being able to take another step? The gift of spending time with a friend? Even the seemingly small things are gifts that we too often take for granted.
See Good. BeThankful! I save this one for last because sometimes we feel like we have to move into this one quickly--overshadowing the necessary healing time to get here. In fact, I don't focus too much on this one right after experiencing loss. There is a healthiness in being thankful in the midst of loss, and sometimes it can be very hard to see good and be thankful when a loss suddenly occurs. It's shocking! It's numbing! It's surreal! Being thankful at that moment isn't on the top of our list of being real and genuine. Yet, eventually, after working through some of the shock, the numbness, the unreality of it all, I do believe there will be a time when we can see the good and once again see the things we can be thankful for.
What about you? What have you learned in the midst of loss? Would love to hear from you! Call me if you like to share your insights. John T. Catrett, III Scissortail Hospice Chaplain 306 North Main St., Suite E Bristow, OK 74010 918.352.3080