This time of year is very difficult for many people. It's Christmas time, which is similar to hurricane season. A time when storms rage, winds blow and which causes fear and dread from those in its path. People on the east coast are ever mindful of super storms out of the ocean. When people hear news of a storm approaching, some people evacuate and others decide to ride it out by staying in their homes. My loved ones who live in the south have experienced how dangerous it was to ride out the storm, but they were able to survive.
As we approach the holiday season, many people face a similar fear, and unfortunately, some do not survive. According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, suicide is the tenth leading cause of death of adults living in the United States. Fall is one of the peak seasons for suicides, even though it is also supposed to be a time of celebration, family gatherings and good times.
For many of us who have lost loved ones due to death or even divorce, it becomes our hurricane season. It's a time for emotional storms and intense anxiety and dread. No one wants to face the season when we are forced to realize Mommy won't be making Thanksgiving dinner, Daddy won't be helping to put up the tree, the child that is gone won't have presents under the tree and you won't have your spouse to kiss on New Year's.While no one can stop this storm from coming, we can get prepared to ride out the storm.
Many of us become victims of the dreaded calendar. Anniversaries, birthdays and holidays become our enemy. Our anxiety about the approaching day overwhelms our emotions and throws us into an emotional wind tunnel. As much as we'd like it to, the calendar is not going to change. Those dates will arrive every year, however, we do not have to greet it with dread. Dread is an evil cousin of fear. According to Dr. Cindy Trimm's book, Rules of Engagement, she describes dread as: Dread: Stronger in intensity, dread grips the heart as it anticipates impending events which are difficult or impossible to avoid, rendering the helpless and powerless over it. (Rules of Engagement Vol. 2, Binding the Strongman, Pg. 181)
Here are some thoughts for riding out the holiday season storm after a lost:
Put the date(s) on the calendar into perspective and don't let it render you powerless. Don't allow the anxiety to build regarding that one or those few days on the calendar. Ignore the date(s) and allow the day to come naturally, experience the day(s) and watch it leave. Do not give the calendar power over your emotions and spirit. The enemy will use the calendar and memories to torture you. Think of that "date" as just another Tuesday, Friday, etc., and ride out the day. If you are dreading it, ask yourself why? What one thing are you actually dreading the most? When you have the answer, take it to God in prayer and ask for help on that specifically. And it helps to talk it out with a friend, minister, counselor or anyone you can trust with your emotions.
Grieve naturally and develop healthy grieving habits. It's perfectly okay to miss our loved ones and even shed a tear or twelve throughout the year, even on (maybe most especially on) those anniversaries and holidays. It's a normal part of the grieving process. A process that typically lasts for 18- 24 months. Crying does not make you weak; it makes you healthy. God gave us tear ducts for a reason. Its job is to release tears, and those tears release our feelings that cannot be expressed in words. Male or female, it's okay to cry, smile or even laugh during these times. Sometimes we expect ourselves to be so miserable, but when the day comes we are surprised because we're okay. It's okay to be okay! There will be windy days, sunny days, and stormy days. You will have to ride them all out, but in the end, you will be okay.
Be proactive by preparing your hurricane season first-aid kit with everything you need to ride out the storm. Make plans to do something special during this stormy season so that you have something good to look forward to, instead of it being something to dread. On our first anniversaries these events can cripple our progress in healing from our loss. We need to create new memories. It may or may not be a trip during this time. We can also look for ways to create new traditions and new memories for ourselves and our family. It won't replace the old memories or people we loved, but it will allow you to grieve healthily and begin living a new normal life without those loved ones.
I hope this helps those who are preparing for their hurricane season, and if it's not you, please share this with someone whom it will affect. This kind of love helps us all to ride out the storms of our lives.
John T. Catrett, III
ONHL Hospice Chaplain
124 East Broadway, PO Box 1216
Drumright, Ok. 74030
918.352.3080