Grieving is messy. It is not pretty. It of ten takes over our lives with a vengeance. It can be a prolonged, painful, and profound time of suffer ing. It can also be a time of learning a lot about our family, our friends, and ourselves. Grief can make us feel like we are “going crazy!” For however long the time may be -- a short or long period of time --it can make the best of us become dysfunctional. Author Sandra Bertman says concisely, “Grief is crazy-making, implosive, explosive, arbitrary, unjust, but as basic to the human condition as love and joy.” Grief is like an “elephant in the living room.” No one wants to acknowledge it. When it is recognized, grief is often minimized, reduced, and sanitized. Acknowledgement would lead to understanding, and understanding helps us to realize that this feeling is what many call “normal craziness.” Would that be too easy to accept? This realization would help us to survive with our sanity intact, coping in healthy ways, and even flourishing in our comprehension of the pain we feel.
How can we get from the “elephant in the room” syndrome to “it’sokay–IAM GRIEVING and that is all right”? How does this happen? It isn’t by accident that this can occur. It is the acceptance of the understanding or discovery of four realizations that can help us overcome the grief that can make us feel crazy.
Living well with grief begins with understanding that grieving takes time and that it doesn’t follow a simplistic, predictable healingpattern. It’s more like a roller-coaster ride with ups and downs, a spiraling twists and turns of sadness, the gravitational effects of loss that make you feel like you want to maybe lose your lunch from steep endless drops; and just about the time you are able to breathe long enough to sigh, thinking “it’s over,' the rollercoaster of gr ief goes in reverse with more intensity than before!! This will happen, and it is our family, friends, coworkers, and bosses, who are hoping and expecting that we will be feeling better by now, not worse. When we don’t feel better, we may feel inadequate, confused, and crazy. Just remember, healthy grieving really does take time. Let’s stay sensible as we go through this journey together, okay?
Are you ready for the next realization, or do you want to go back and reread that last paragraph? Are you ready now? Our second realization is to become proactive in seeking out wisdom and understanding of our situation. There are multicultural religious and community customs that sanctify periodsofbereavement. This helps the larger community to be sensitive and respectful to thosewhomourn. Didyou know that certain Native American ways of life call for mourners to cut short their traditionally long hair in order to bring attention to mourning as a long-term challenge? Some Israelites tear their garments and join in special mourning prayers for a full year or longer following the death of someone very close to them. Black clothing is a common mourners’ apparel in many communities. Having a wake, funeral, or memorial ser vice gives those left behindachancetomourn. A modern-day r itual that carries forth an effort to honor the process of mourning a death of a child is bereaved parents wearing a butterfly pin to let others know of their special loss. Participating in one or several of these rituals and traditions to confirm your grief and mourning may give you a direct peace about your loss. Isn’t that really what we want, no more chaos - a loving memory -- a peaceful way to continue?
Now on the grieving! Healthy grief takes many forms, and we need to honor our loved one by grieving in our own unique style. You may find that talking about your loss with friends or in a support group reall y helps you. You may grieve alone or perhaps share your grief with one or two special people. You may shout out your anger, or perhaps you will find strength instillnessandsolitude. You may be a “feeling-focused' griever, or you may have a more analytical style of grief. You may cry out your frustration, sadness, and pain, or maybe you desire to express your grief in a more physical way. Whatever way is “right”for you,do not avoid the pain of your loss! Our world loves to numb the pain with drugs. This is approptiate when we have teeth pulled bydentists. However,grief needs to be felt and dealt with in a healthy and proper way. You cannot miss this step of the grieving process! Grief often starts with extreme and unfamiliar feelings of shock, denial, and high anxiety. Please note that many friends and acquaintances may want to help us in our grief, but this is not their grief, and sometimes they can unwittingly complicate matters, or even contribute to our dysfunction. After my friend’s son’s funeral, some of his friends came to his home with beer and a couple of bottles of hard liquor. They all got drunk. It was the first time my friend ever got so drunkthathepassedout. Ten years later, he still relies on alcohol to fall asleep every night. His grief is now complicated by alcohol abuse. Can you see? His pain of loss hasn’t been addressed; he’s still avoiding it. You must find a way to face the pain, the loss, the grief, in your own healthy way, and you WILL get through the grieving process.
As you can tell by the truelife stor y above, grieving can sometimes become awkward or complicated. Youmayneed help from professional people. In fact, most going through grief (no matter how many times they have suffered from loss) find that they need to go outside those they know for support. Sometimes career caregivers can assist us in finding some normalcy in the midst of what seems chaotic. It is normal to find the first several years to be very painful, and it may be difficult to discern whether to rely on understanding friends, loving relatives, or the help of a grief counselor. Be wise enough to “hear” yourself if this is your need to seek a grief counselor. So with that in mind let me ask you some questions that may help: Are you concerned about losing your job due to absenteeism or poor productivity? Have you started having relationship problems with your mate? Are you having difficulties eating balanced meals? Have you turned to alcohol or drugs to manage your emotional pain? Are you mad and do you argue more than you really know why? If you said yes to one or more of these questions, then you need to visit with a grief counselor right away!
Grief may be messy and even “crazy”at times, but that does not mean you are crazy. Be patient with yourself, and seek out precious friends and loved ones who are patient with you. Grievers need lots of hugs,gentle attention from those who know them best and who are willing to walk with us on our long, crazy, yet normal journey.
John T. Catrett, III Scissortail Hospice Chaplain 306 North Main Street, Suite E Bristow, OK 74010 918.352.3080