Was there something that was left unsaid before your loved one died? Or was there some act that was never apologized for—perhaps an argument, an old grudge, or an outright abuse? It is difficult in most human relationships not to look back and feel sorry for something that was said or left unsaid. And, if one person is no longer there to hear that you are sorry, your grief can grind toanunbearablehalt. Youfeel as though you are weighed down by an anchor.
Getting unfinished business with a deceased loved one out in the open is often not an easy thing to do. However, achieving peace of mind and heart is always possible and is a positive fulfilling accomplishment. It is essential to find ways to finish the unfinished—or to get rid of emotional baggage that will prolong our suffering. In addition, coping with our loss can also interfere with our present relationships that are extremely important to us.
Here is what we need to know to begin our journey to resolution.
First, we need to clarify exactly what we are concerned or often angry about regarding the deceased. Write it down in detail for three reasons. Seeing the difficulty on paper can often help us more fully understand and think more deeply about it. It also can be useful to see a counselor to help us. Finally, we can look back on it as the weeks and months go by, and we may well see it from an altogether different perspective.
Decide if we are giving the problem more attention than it deserves. First, try sharing our concern first with a close friend, one we trust and respect. Sometimes we feel bad about what might be a minor omission or not an omission at all.
When my mother died, I could not remember ever telling her that I appreciated everything she did for me. This bothered me to no end. A month after her death, I finally went to a friend (a fellow minister that I respected). After listening intently, he said, 'John, don't you think your mother knew how much you appreciated her?' That comment was a major factor in my gradually letting go of my selfinflicted hang-up or my anchor that kept me stuck.
Become familiar with the ways that are commonly used to express the emotions in completing unfinished business. Talking to the deceased in what is called the empty chair technique, using art or poetry, writing a letter of apology or forgiveness (and later bury it at the grave or burn it and spread the ashes), or using exercise or pillow pounding are all frequently used and accepted ways that can help us in our dilemma.
Give ourselves and/or the deceased loved one the benefit of the doubt. Are we being realistic about the circumstances around which the incident occurred? We are all good at second- guessing and using hindsight (like I should have taken him to another doctor or brought her home or taken him to a different emergency room). Are our current feelings and emotions clouding our judgment? Look at the positive aspects of our loved one considering the transgression. How would he or she respond to our deep sense of unfinished business, knowing all we did for him/her?
If we feel a sense of relief mixed in with our feelings, do not let guilt rob us of our normal human response. Yes, after all we have done, all the hard work, all the injections, all the lost sleep, all the problems with the medical establishment, and so on, --it follows that a sense of relief is one common reaction. This guilt or other emotions associated with the sense of relief can exacerbate any unfinished business we may have.
Remember that finishing unfinished business sometimes meanstoforgive. Letthe power of forgiveness play its role by forgiving yourself and/or the deceased. This act alone will change our lives for the better. It is guaranteed,and this writer cannot emphasize this enough; you will be richer for it. And, you can assume, from the vantage point of where your deceased loved one is now, he/she forgives you. Truly forgiving takes time; keep saying it over and over out loud and silently—until in your heart you feel the truth.
Since unfinished business involves anything said or left unsaid that is considered an issue for you, search for a creative way to bring peace by saying exactly what you need to say to bring a sense of completion to the relationship. There is always something that can be done. If friends do not come up with an idea that helps, then go to a professional who can give many suggestions on how to reframe the issue and find release from your burden.
Although your life is unfinished, you must establish a new relationship with the deceased. This is accomplished by using traditions, celebrations, and memories to keep him/her alive in your heart, and become an expert at loving in separation. That focus will also reduce the impact of any unfinished business.
John T. Catrett, III Scissortail Hospice Chaplain 306 North Main St., Suite E Bristow, Ok. 74010 918.352.3080