It has been said by those in the know that the process of grief and loss has stages. While it is agreed these stages don't necessarily show up in predictable patterns or in specific order, there's much more to the grief process than stages. The work of Kubler-Ross is important. However, to discuss grief and loss only in terms of stages makes it sound much too neat and orderly.
Rather, think of a roller coaster. Instead of starting out on a level field and climbing up, this one starts with a downward spiral. The world appears to be spinning out of control. It's scary and we have no idea what to expect next. Can anyone really prepare for - or have the coping skills to deal with - such intense grief? This is, likely, even more pronounced when it is completely unexpected. It's as if you plunge into a deep, dark tunnel, not sure if there is any light at the end. At some point you think that you can stand it now." Emerging at last from the tunnel, grief seemed to finally level out a bit. You felt like you were able to re-enter life, at least a little. However, unexpectedly, just when you thought it was okay, down you go again, back into the tunnel. Talk about feeling as if you have little or no control in your life! Up and down, around and around, with no clue as to what caused the shift in direction.
Perhaps our day was not going so well and we wanted to call for support. Even more poignantly, our day had gone so very well. Then all of a sudden, for no apparent reason, another very dark tunnel invades our lives. The loss washes over us and we can see no light at all.
We become angry, (never quite sure why, or at what), sadness, grief, and guilt (even during a moment of happiness). These are not stages; they are intense emotions all crowded together. People ask what we are feeling and we can’t tell them. One moment we can be functioning well, at work or out with friends. However, alone at home, we feel so alone, so frightened (not exactly sure of what) and so out of control. So very powerless over our own feelings!
There is good news though. Each time we are drawn back into the tunnel, it seems the tunnel is not as dark, not as long, and we find ourselves feeling stronger at the end. This was especially true once we realized that the tunnels would not last forever. We also discovered that our fear of not being able to find our way out of the tunnel was not as great. Hopefully, you were like me, and there was always someone at the other end of the tunnel, who was waiting and willing to help me. Possibly the most important ingredient in finding our way out was having friends and loved ones who didn't rush us out of the tunnel but waited patiently for us to emerge. Since there seems to be so little logic to the roller coaster ride, logic does not shorten the time in the tunnel, but calm reassurance seemed to lengthen the time before the tunnel loomed again.
If you are the one going through grief, be patient with yourself. Expect, and even learn to accept, the tunnels. Treasure the times of light! Look for them. Let go of guilt: for not getting better faster, for getting better too fast, just for feeling how you feel. Healing and recovery is part of the process.
If you are a friend or family member of someone experiencing grief, be patient with them. Don't try to talk them out of their tunnel. Don't pull or push. Of course, if they are not coming out at all, there may be cause for concern, but for the most part, your loved one will come out. If you are there waiting, the next tunnel will be further away and less frightening.
We are not sure if the sense of loss ever completely goes away. After almost four years, it is still looking for many, but we are no longer afraid of it. This is normal. We know we will survive and as time passes, we are learning to thrive again. Our love will always hold a place in our hearts and we take him/her with us, in the good times and in the bad.
So hold on. We mustn’t say enjoy the ride, but know that it is not forever and life does get back to a sense of normal even if that new normal is not what it was before.
John T. Catrett, III
ONHL Hospice Chaplain
124 East Broadway,
PO Box 1216
Drumright, Ok. 74030
918.352.3080