When a person dies, his or her suffering is over. They have moved on; however, those who are still living are faced with huge pressures, devastating trauma, important decisions, and powerful emotions. The survivor’s grieving process has just begun. The attention of friends and relatives has been focused on the one who was dying. Now the ones living who are left behind and most closely affected by the death need the concern and caring of family and friends. None of us know what grief will be like until we experience it firsthand. We may expect to be sad or lonely, but may be surprised to feel other emotions like anger and guilt. It can be a surprise to discover that family relationhips and friendship may not be the same because of the change the grief-stricken have undergone after a loss. In recent years, research has shown that there are identifiable patterns of emotions in grief. Knowing what those are can help you recognize that the turmoil and pain felt are part of healing the injury that death has inflicted. Grieving is the process that heals the emotions related to loss and the subsequent changes in your life, but they won't last forever. Emotional reactions to the death of a loved one follow a fairly defined course. Giving into these natural feelings and letting them occur in their natural timing while being aware of things we may do that block the process will enable healing to take place. Death is a wound--a severe and painful psychological wound. As with any injury to the physical body, healing requires tender loving care, gentleness, and time. Change is the key. Some changes including happy events like graduation, marriage, and the birth of a child all require adjustment. Painful changes like the death of a loved one, separation, and abandonment require greater adjustment. Grief is the process of accepting the inevitability of this type of change and is an important, necessary part of being alive. Successfully dealing with change allows you to reach higher levels of growth, sensitivity, and understanding of yourself and others. The death of someone important in our lives is a change--a major one-and sometimes a sudden one. The relationship we had with the person dictates the intensity of your grief.
Loss of someone through death is a particularly painful change, especially if you felt a deep love for that person. The more intense your love for them or the greater your dependence on and hopes for them, the greater your loss. There's no getting around the emotional pain of grief. Avoiding feelings of grief can be dangerous, leading to illness and serious distress. Worst of all, not dealing with these emotions leaves us stuck psychologically, unable to change and grow. As you proceed through the grieving process, it will become possible to slowly let go of the past and go forward with your life.
Some say 'time heals,' but it's not that simple; the truth is that it is how you use the time. Allowing yourself to feel and express your emotions will contribute to the release of pain and replace it with acceptance and hope for the future. Everyone is unique in the way they grieve and manage their emotions. Healing your emotions includes expressing them: crying, getting angry, journaling, and talking about the person and the circumstances. These are a few ways to cope with your loss.
There is a danger of experiencing complicated grief by internalizing strong feelings or by getting stuck in anger, depression, or guilt that arises during grief. It is like having an open wound that continues to fester and bleed, preventing the wound from healing. Eventually, infection sets in and leads to worse problems. I have had clients who never changed the bedroom furniture or continued to wear a wedding ring years after the death or divorce. The grieving progress is gradual and takes time; don't try to rush it.
Eventually, it gets better. Healing is accomplished by grief work. It's real work, not to be approached passively. You will sometimes feel pain and resistance. At times you may think -you'll never recover. By doing the work--experiencing, expressing, and managing these real emotions--allows recovery to occur, allowing you to move from the past, live in the present, and envision the future. Surviving grief doesn't mean that you no longer miss the one who died. That person is in your heart forever; however, his role in your life must change. While continuing to love him, the shared love eventually becomes a smaller part of your life. When you’re ready, you must say the final goodbye to move on. You must let him or her go--with love.
My life experiences as a minister, chaplain, and someone who has experienced a number of losses--my precious mother, my war hero father, a much-loved brother, a precious wife, as well as many dear friends that I have said goodbye to--have taught me these lessons. I've also experienced loss through divorce and other personal and professional changes. In counseling people who are grieving their own losses, I've been able to draw on my experiences to assure them that others have felt similar pain and that one does survive. I've learned much from my patients about suffering and surviving. People going through grief and loss have some things in common, such as the stages of the grief process. Learning the stages and timing of the grieving process is empowering because you know what to expect.
During one's lifetime we will have happy times and sad times. We are likely to experience the death of a mother or father, a son or a daughter, a sister or brother, grandparents, or friends. Perhaps even the death of a wife or husband. People sometimes live long enough to see many peers die before them. Although grieving follows a predictable pattern, the experience of losing a beloved spouse is not the same as the death of a friend.
Each loss is different. Identifying personal ways of coping with change helps us use this knowledge to heal and choose to continue living. The most important thing I can tell you is that you can choose. Life can go on in a rich, exciting way; you are the one who has the power to make it happen. My wish is to help you understand your process as you grieve, to realize that grief has a progressive course, and to assist in knowing that through all your current pain, you will survive and, in time, once more experience joy in living.
You have a choice of how you will heal yourself, although it may not feel like a conscious choice in the beginning. One choice is to allow yourself to feel--to feel all of the anguish and fear and pain as they present themselves to you. This choice allows you to go on with your life. The other possible choice--and a dangerous oneis a move toward losing the ability to feel anything, which can lead your own psychological death and eventually your physical death.
Previous grieving patterns and individual personality traits contribute to the way you will naturally react to a bereavement in the beginning. These are your natural predispositions, but you can change them if old patterns do not serve you well. What's most important in learning to live with loss is letting yourself feel.
Allow! Allow! Allow yourself to feel - to experience - to live again. John T. Catrett, III Scissortail Hospice Chaplain 306 North Manin St., Suite E Bristow, Ok. 74010 918.352.3080