When Father's Day comes around we Americans believe that we should praise our fathers by saying “Thank you, Dad, for being such an amazing influence and contributor to my life.” We gather together, give them sentimental cards, meaningful gifts and spend time with them. Hallmark helps us praises all fathers. On Father's Day, thousands all over the country celebrate, and “father,” “dad,” “daddy” is king for the day. He takes the spotlight on Father's Day because he deserves that honor. He is loyal, faithful and self-sacrificing so he earns our respect and admiration! A quote by Billy Graham stated, "A good father is one of the most unsung, unpraised, unnoticed, and yet one of the most valuable assets in our society."
What happens when the father is the opposite of what Billy Graham described? What happens when the father is a very selfish individual? What happens when, by his actions, it appears that the father is a narcissistic (life is all about ME), hedonistic (If it feels good, do it; if it doesn’t, don’t) shortsighted and immature individual with very limited concern for his family and societal responsibilities? What happens when, he is a drug, alcohol, sex, or gambling addict whose habit(s) upset the family, divide the family and harm the family, creating unimaginable hardship on the rest of the family and society? What happens then, on Father's Day? Does the family put aside all the harm that this father does every single day and praise this father on Father's Day? If so, why and how?
First let's talk about why? Let me share with you what I’ve discovered through my 70 plus years -- and am still discovering about this topic. Let me preface my comments with an FYI for those of you who don’t know my story. My father was a hero in WWII receiving a Silver Star for heroic action in Germany. As a young man in his early 20s, he followed Omar Bradley all over Africa and Europe seeing unspeakable horrors on both continents, which also included Normandy Beach. After the war, my father dealt with those horrors with alcohol and later abandoned my family, leaving me to fill the provider and protector roll for my mother and three younger siblings. With undiagnosed hearing loss, I was already struggling my way through life as it was. So this is my attempt to answer the weighty questions: why honor the fathers who are not helpful “good” fathers? (Let me be quick to sensitively acknowledge the obvious fact that in which there are situations where the dad is in such a bad place in life, that they simply must not be with the family. This is not the norm, but more the exception.)
1) Because they gave us LIFE.
2) Because they breathe and life is hard. At best, life is hard.
3) Being a human is deserving of respect.
4) Because un-forgiveness can be closely linked to bitterness, and bitterness destroys the container in which it dwells.
5) Because the Holy Scriptures tells us that “The goodness of God leads to repentance.” “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
OKAY, so now how do we do this authentically? Let’s see if we can provide some practical steps to achieving this.
1) He could have done something to snuff out your life. He didn’t. You are living.
2) Understanding that no one picks the family assignment, nor the way opportunities will come in life. We all have the opportunity to do the best we can with what we have at the time. Some people have much more to work with than others. Is it helpful to your relationship to set expectations for him based on YOUR personality, gifts, and skills, and life experiences/opportunities? What were his? Who is HE? Become a student of your father’s story. Understand what life gave him in his personal design and his “assignment.”
3) Humans are Divinely created and strategically placed together in family systems. Don’t insult the Creator of the Universe with your lack of understanding how to best use what you were given.
4) The scriptures tell us in the model prayer, “Forgive us as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.” We are no match for the shortsighted, immediate gratification temptations of this world. We need God’s help to mature us into a large-picture thinking.
5) Have you ever heard someone with a tough, tough assignment give testimony “They believed in me when I couldn’t believe for myself? They gave me hope and courage?" Question: Do you want to be part of the BONDAGE with the curse you place when you believe and or say, “He’ll NEVER change?" And think or say it with the attitude of being judge, jury and executioner? Or do you want to be part of the SOLUTION by:
a) The God-given ability to gain insight into the struggles.
b) Gain genuine empathy through ownership of your own struggles.
c) Choose to let natural and logical consequences do their helpful, motivating work while...
d) You become a channel of God “for giving” hope to the situation – even if it takes the rest of his life?
I believe if these concepts were embraced, we would all find new levels of power to authentically honor the human being and position of fatherhood, even while our biological father wrestles with the angst of life.
To give you an example, even though my late father died still addicted to alcohol and not modeling healthy family responsibility, I can authentically honor him for the years of military service for our country, his exceptional work ethic, and the honor he brought our family with his heroism and receiving the Silver Star.
May you find a new level of freedom and joy in your celebration of Father’s Day this year and the years to come. God bless you and Happy Father’s Day.
John T. Catrett, III
Scissortail Hospice Chaplain
124 East Broadway, PO Box 1216
Drumright, OK 74030
918.352.3080