Losing a loved one not only shatters our whole existence but often leaves us with a ton of questions we want answered. Number one on the list is WHY.
Why did this happen? Why me? Why not me? It should have been me! Why am I still here? Why? Why? Why?
The 'why' question is furious and relentless in early grief. It drives us, and we rage and battle with the whys for many a long night. Somehow we feel that if we could only find the answer, it would help. If we could only know the reason, it would help. If we could just find out more information it would help. The why is driving us crazy, we get angry, we get mad. We want to know, and no one is giving us the answers that we want. Why? Why? Why? Webeg,we scream, we cry.
Eventually, the why, like a mechanical toy whose batteries are running down, starts to feel slower and slower. The whys become less persistent, less frequent, less furious, until finally something happens. There comes a pivotal moment when we either replace the batteries, or we keep the toy without the batteries of the whys.
Questions are part of life. We have an insatiable desire to make sense of the world and understand things, place them within the context of our own lives. However,within the context of our loss, there is often no understanding. There is no knowing. We may never get the answers to our number one question.
Ultimately, it is for each one of us to decide. Do I keep my rewind going round and round, like the mechanical toy with the new batteries? Or do I allow myself to be more at peace with the not knowing and gently ease into changing the why into new and empowering questions that will help me move through my grief into a new difference.
How do I comfort myself amidst my hurt and not knowing? This puts the answer outside of you.
By asking this, 'How am I choosing to comfort myself amidst my hurt and my not knowing?' Or 'How can I choose to comfort myself amidst my hurt and my not knowing?' You reach into your heart, the knowing part of yourself, which holds the answers for you. Meanwhile, the mechanical toy, emotionally speaking, sits quietly in the background ready to explode into action. 'We have no right to ask when a sorrow comes, why did this happen to me? Unless we ask the same question for every joy that comes our way.' (Unknown writer.)
We need to develop emotionally to the point where we move past asking why, to what. 'What can I do to get past the grief?' Why? Becausethe ‘why’ is not helpful to healing in thelongrun. Solet’smovebeyond the 'whys' of life and get some answers to 'what can I do to get past the grief,' in order to get on with life again?
John T. Catrett, III Scissortail Hospice Chaplain 306 North Main St., Suite E Bristow, OK 74010 918.352.3080