Our culture is scandalously slack when it comes to teaching about death. In a day and age in which technology rules our world, you would think that the meaning and importance of dealing with the aftermath of death would be well known in our society, but sad to say, we are ignorant about this subject, and people are left to pure chance in learning about grieving healthy after a death occurs.
The death of a precious loved one is a universal experience. If people have any sort of emotional investment in the person who died, then they will grieve. Given the fact that loss is a continuous and ongoing part of life (we grieve for many other losses than the death of a loved one), taking the taboo off expressing emotion and openly grieving is essential. It would eliminate much unnecessary suffering.
We can start reversing the trend by helping our children balance the negative cultural view about death, dying, and grieving. What can we teach children, and some adults, about the proper response to the loss of something valuable in our lives? Here are five thoughts to be developed and discussed with them.
First and foremost, grief and suffering are unavoidable. Everybody has to deal with some major changes in their lives when a significant person in our lives dies. No one likes to dwell on this fact of life. Also, the fact that emotional sufferings are bound to occur; therefore, we must face this reality and not sidestep it. Death and suffering cycles into and out of our lives and should not be considered anything other than a condition of human existence.
Secondly, grief (the internal development) and the way we mourn (the external progression) is highly individual. No two people respond to loss in the same way. The reason is that no two people have an identical emotional investment or relationship with the person who died. This is critical to understand in families. Grief and mourning will naturally differ.
Thirdly, the entire process of loss, grief, and adaptation to a new environment without the person we have lost is natural. Grieving is a normal human response. It is not in any way, shape, or outward appearance a sign of weakness. We are built to release the emotions we generate by expressing them through the grief process. It is healthy to grieve our losses, and it takes much time and patience to do so. Therefore, do not beat yourself up for being emotionally distraught, but rather think, “I’m a sensitive, caring, responsible human!”
Fourthly, grief is a response to love. We are made to love and help each other. Love is the most powerful force in dealing with life in all its manifestations. It is particularly painful to have a loved one no longer physically present. When that person dies, a part of us also dies. However,love lives on; it never dies (something every child should learn and adults should already know). Grief automatically flows from our hearts in love, although its outward expression cannot fully capture the depth it represents. Choosing to love means choosing to grieve; they are very much entangled and are inseparable.
Lastly, grief teaches us much about life and about ourselves. We learn the importance of appreciating deeper relationships, serving others, understanding the way we express our feelings, and how to go about reinvesting our lives in others. Many times this changes our view of the world in a new, fresh way. Grieving is a growing experience because we learn many things, not the least of which is to appreciate the little things in life.
Take the above five thoughts and apply them to your life. Allow them to help you understand the normalcy of sadness and the healing path of love. Be willing to cry in front of children (and immature adults) when it is normal to do so in any given situation of grieving. We can become positive role models of healthy grieving for the young and in so doing save them from much unnecessary suffering and self-inflicted shame. Let’s move from notoriously neglectful to respectably responsible in caring for deep needs of grieving loved ones and friends.
John T. Catrett, III Refuge Care Hospice Chaplain