Caregiving has many forms. There is the total helplessness of a newborn baby. There is the total helplessness of a special needs adult child who has never spoken a word. The special needs child who has never eaten a bite of food, taken a step, or toileted alone. There is the senior adult who lived a very active, influential life full of dignified contributions and activities that brought honor, and now they can't remember their name … or yours. There is the loyal pet who has made such a wonderful contribution to the family with unconditional love and companionship. Not necessarily as a guard dog or hero of any sort, but unbelievably full of love and loyalty who is now racked with arthritic pain, incontinence, teeth breaking off, struggling to eat and digest anything.
These (and so many more) scenarios necessitate caregiving that becomes the center of your universe. They are dependent upon you. You. So you turn down that dream job, adjust your goals, and begin gaining the education you need for this role. You put friendships that took you away from home on hold and made new ones with people who understood your new role. In some cases 'this temporary role until we get this figured out' turned into decades and your entire focus … your identity … and then … it is over.…
The center of your universe is gone. How does that affect the way you manage your time? Your energy output? Your daily focus? Your finances both for the person's needs and lack of income you could have provided? Your friend selection now? Your identity? What do you like to do? What do you want to wear? Where do you like to go? Everything is so. Different. Now! Soooooooo different. You may feel numb. Totally lost. Overcome with the enormity of it all.
Take a deep breath. So deep it makes your tummy push out. Hold it, then exhale slowly. Do it again. And a third time. Then tell the Lord, 'I don't want to take one single breath without You. You were with me through the caregiving season. You'll be with me during the next one. And the next.' He speaks through His Word and softly by His Spirit, 'Lo, I am with you ALWAYS. Even unto the end of the age.' You respond,'I choose. To. Trust. You.' (Pause. Sit with Him and feel His shalom/peace settle over and around you.)
Don't allow life to rush you. Let your internal gyroscope settle down. Come to a place of homeostasis. Balance. Rest. Perspective adjustment. You're NOT alone. There is ONE who totally understands, and He is living inside of you ... if you are a believer. If you are not,you can be. He is the One who never changes and promises 'I will never leave or forsake you.' It's not like you don't know these things. It's just that in times like this, it can be helpful to hear the gentle reminders and words of understanding. Take your time, mourn the losses. There is an intimacy in caregiving and suffering that is priceless, meaningful, satisfying in its unique way. On the flip side, there is an excitement in the release of responsibility that can be hopefilled and terrifying at the time. It can make you feel guilty. Don't let it. Don't rush. Breathe deeply. Rest. Mourn. Heal. Renew. Listen. Don't skip this important step between what was and what will be. You're not alone.
John T. Catrett, III submitting my precious wife's writing. Her name is Betsy.
Refuge Care Hospice Chaplain & Wife 306 North Main Street, Suite A Bristow, OK. 74010 918.352.3080