In the years of serving as youth minister, preaching minister, and now a hospice chaplain, the strongest regrets resonate from those who have lost a loved one to death. I have heard laments from 'I wish,' 'if only,' “it's not fair,' and 'why?' just to name a few. These regrets can consume a person, stifling their ability to go forward, paralyzing him or her into living a guilt-ridden existence.
Most of us have regrets. We regret a missed opportunity or misconduct perpetrated in the past. Sometimes these feelings escalate into strong regrets, while others diminish into minor ones. But no matter what, dealing with regrets is something each of us has to work through.
Now here are three thoughts that just maybe you haven't considered before. Hopefully these ideas can become a blessing and an encouragement to you and your family. REGRETS SHOW THAT YOU CARE, NEVER WALLOW IN REGRETS, and USE THE LESSONS THAT REGRETS TEACH! These are what we need to contemplate.
If you had no regrets, you would not care. In the case of the death of someone held near and dear, we would be concerned for anyone who claimed a relationship or friendship with the departed but yet has no regrets. The depth of love and care we have is often revealed by the regrets we experience after their death.
Regrets also demonstrate that we are now fully aware of the missed opportunities. So in a very real sense, regrets are good. If we don't have any regrets, we may be calloused and hard-hearted, or simply unaware of the unrealized oppotunities that may have slipped us by.
We must beware; regrets are often accompanied by a sad attraction to wallow in them. We whip our guilty conscience with these regrets. We bathe in their debilitating muck, immersing ourselves in their guilt and gloominess.
Please be aware that wallowing in them is counterproductive. If you have lost someone dear, you could be tempted to wallow in your own self-pity and focus on your regrets, but this robs the person you love of all the other things they accomplished in life. If you focus only on what you didn't do with or for them instead of the person (him or herself), you are setting yourself up for a lot of hurt and needless pain for the future.
If we view guilt and regret as a God-given response to teach us lessons, we are on the upward road of being healed and whole again. Regrets are selfish only if we are not willing to learn from them. They can teach us some imperative things about life and about ourselves. But wallowing in them is purely a selfish endeavor. It keeps us from living, loving, and laughing. It keeps us from realizing all the things that we did do and accomplish with this precious loved one whom we miss so dearly now. Let’s keep our focus upon what this cherished loved one meant to others and us. Regret can derail this important element in our grieving process.
Regrets show us that we can't afford to miss any more opportunities. If you lost someone close to you, don't let your regrets keep you from those still alive. Take the lessons that you learned and try not to miss any important opportunities to share your heart with others.
Spend more time thinking about others. Ask yourself, if so and so died today, what regrets would I have? Better yet, if I died today what regrets would others about me? Then go out and do something about it; acts don’t wallow. Regrets allow us to realize what is most important in our lives.
Our regrets ought to show us where our values are. We can use that to inspire us for the future. As a responsible, reasonable, and caring individual, we can use regrets to motivate us to learn from our mistakes. We all regret some of the things we have done in our lives.
I regret some of my choices, but having a loving and forgiving relationship with my family and with God allows me to focus on what I can still accomplish, the things I can still do, and the choices that are still before me. Regrets can be a very powerful pro-active stimulus in our lives that can benefit us in wonderful ways if we allow it and if we are willing to act upon it.
John T. Catrett, III Scissortail Hospice Chaplain 306 North Main Street, Suite E Bristow, OK 74010 (918) 352.3080