People often experience multiple losses over a short period of time. How do we cope with these losses when they occur so close together? It may be another loss of a person you love dearly. Or it may be the loss of something different, such as the loss of a pet or the loss of a job. It is extremely difficult when a person who is grieving the death of a loved one soon loses a job and has to move away from their home or apartment because of financial stress. Multiple losses occur more frequently than most people realize and often complicate the mourning process.
To begin, it is important to recognize that we grieve many changes in life other than the death of a loved one. The breakup of any close relationship, divorce, incarceration, geographical relocation, children going off to college, destructive fires, workplace changes, or the loss of family heirlooms can bring a strong grief reaction. In most instances, these losses can bring a cascade of emotional responses as strong as those associated with the death of a loved one.
How can we cope with these massive changes or help someone who is experiencing more than one of these losses? Consider the following.
Recognize that people suffering multiple losses will generally need much more time to sort out their feelings and deal with them. Often the intensity of grief will be stronger and the mourner will need assistance in prioritizing their needs in dealing with each loss, one at a time.
Now more than ever the person dealing with multiple losses needs trusted grief companions who will listen to the pain being experienced and expressed. Much commitment is needed from caregivers who will not reduce their contact with the mourner over time or make comparisons of one mourner with another. Allowing grief to run its course in the circumstances of multiple loss is a gigantic commitment for the caregiver.
If you are suffering multiple losses, be patient with yourself. You cannot expect a speedy resolution of all of the changes that need to be addressed. There will be some trial and error moments, and you may have to try another avenue of approach when one plan doesn't work. Do not rush yourself. Easier said than done, of course, when in pain. That is why you need people who do not feel uncomfortable when they are around pain.
More than ever before, it is essential to take care of yourself. Self-care is an absolute priority, since the energy drains from multiple losses are extremely high. Schedule a rest period daily, preferably in nature, where birds, trees, water, and other wildlife can remind you of the importance of connections, and allow to replenish your mind and body. And, above all, walk, walk, walk.
Never forget: you are not being punished. Don't fall into thought traps like 'I'm getting what I deserve' or 'This is what happens when you don't do the right thing.' Such negative thinking only increases unnecessary suffering and distracts from facing the new life that multiple losses dictate. Remember: that type of thinking takes a major toll on your physical self as well as your emotional well-being.
Continually tell yourself you will get through this dark night of the soul. It is hell, and ever so painful, but you are a survivor who will use the support and insight of others to adjust and start over. You are normal even though it all feels so abnormal. There is nothing wrong with your feeling of being overwhelmed; anyone would be. Keep coaching yourself to persist — it will make a big difference.
Feelings and thoughts change, and new ones will pop into your mind and body over the long haul. Look for ongoing support structures. They could be exceptional friends, a grief support group (many members are dealing with multiple losses), a clergy person, or a professional grief counselor. The information you need to deal with your particular circumstances is out there. Half the battle is finding the people who can provide an idea or two that you have yet to hear.
Also, even though you are inundated with pain and anxiety, do not give up on listening to the best source of all — your own wisdom. You have it inside of you right now to know what to do. You are much more capable than you think you are. When alone in the evening ask yourself and your Heavenly Father for insights on how to deal with a particular problem. Then listen ever so carefully for what thoughts or images come into your mind. You inherently know what is needed better than anyone else. The trick is to tap your inner wisdom with confidence.
To summarize, many people suffer multiple losses and the resulting bereavement overload. Although multiple losses tend to exacerbate the length and intensity of the grief process, breaking down and prioritizing where to begin coping with so many changes (both inner and outer) is the place to start.
It is excruciating and painfilled work, yet success in adapting to multiple changes will happen gradually. Keep your self-talk positive (we often are our own worst enemy), allow for a relapse or two, but know that you can outlast these massive changes and get through your demanding ordeal.
John T. Catrett, III Scissortail Hospice Chaplain 306 North Main St., Suite E Bristow, OK. 74010 918.352.3080