'I have been trying to make the best of grief and am just learning to allow it to make the best of me' ~Barbra Lazear Ascher.
I understood this quote when I lost my precious wife. I thought I would be in a bottomless grief pit forever. I felt lost in my sorrow. As I look back, I can see now that I have learned different ways to reconcile the pains of grief to create steps to heal.
What is healing, you might ask? The process of becoming whole again is to heal – this is you reconciling your grief. No, you won’t be who you once were because you’ll be gentler, kinder, deeper, and oh so much stronger. Some grief experiences may barely leave a mark and others will change you so much that others may not even recognize you. The challenge is learning to live well in your changed condition. The healing is in the reconciling your sorrow and pain to experience a new peaceful and probably joyful wholeness. Healing is an all or nothing requirement. Embracing the changes in your physical, emotional, mental, social, and spiritual conditions are required. It takes an absolute commitment to healing your grief.
You can choose to reconcile yourself to your sorrow. The healing is in this reconciliation of your changed condition. My personal experience tells me that complete returning (or even partial) to what might be deemed as “normal” is not possible. Professionally, as a hospice chaplain, I have counseled others in their mourning experience that has forever changed them. Achieving this reconciliation isn’t easy. It requires a soul-searching desire for a renewed purpose and meaning. Hope for a better situation must emerge. Commitment to life fulfillment must be desired. As your grief relief journey unfolds you can't expect to return to your old life, but the awareness of the new normal is vital. One of the many ways to live this new life is to learn again how to become involved in the activities of living – it’s essential! To stop grieving and start healing, you must realize your grief reconciles by degrees. As you take steps forward to resolve your pain, it will slowly lessen as your joy gradually increases. If you desire a new wholeness again, commitment to working through your grief is essential. You may find a search for self-improvement is a constant companion in your healing efforts.
'To suppress the grief, the pain, is to condemn one’s self to a living death. Living fully means feeling fully; it means being completely one with what you are experiencing and not holding it at arm's length' ~Philip Kapleau. As you journey forward, you must accept the need to work through the pain of your grief. To reconcile this pain, intentional mourning that which has forever changed in your life is required. Journaling this pain can help you get on the other side of your grief. Don't censor your thoughts but write the undeleted pain and anguish you experience. Vocalize your grieving to anyone who will listen. Crying about what or whom you lost is a healing step. There is no shame in tears. Pondering your new you, your new changed condition will help you move forward toward your wholeness that you seek. Hope for a better life will emerge as you make efforts to understand and meet the needs of your grief.
In closing, do you fear to stop grieving, are you afraid to start healing, or are you scared you won’t find new purpose and hope? Reconciliation of your grief, learning to understand and meet your mourning needs, as well as seeking for self-improvement are all essential steps less pain, more health, and a brighter future. Just be willing to heal more!
John T. Catrett, III 306 North Main St., Suite E Bristow, OK 74010 918. 352.3080