Scissortail Hospice Chaplain Bristow, Oklahoma
Moving Through the Sandstorm of Grief !
Grief had come to visit when I was 42. Just barged on in the front door of my heart and took up residence like he owned the place. And like any uninvited and annoying houseguest, he just wouldn't leave. I guess I got used to him hanging around because as much as he was dragging me down and holding me back, being with him 24-7/365 had also become strangely comfortable... an excuse, if you will, for not moving on. But when months turned into a year that soon threatened to turn into two, I realized I had to put my foot down.
Grief had overstayed his welcome and it was high time for him to go! But that sounded so simple, right? How? When my close friend suddenly died of a freak accident, I just couldn’t talk or write about him or the situation. It was another precious friend that pointed out - subtly, for he knew how friendly grief and I had become - that perhaps our relationship was no longer healthy. othing seemed to matter anymore. It was just one lousy day after the other. The only difference between one day and the next was how the callousness of my heart had increased. That is what depression looks like. What is depression but grief's BFF (best friend forever)? Grief must have snuck depression in through a window when I wasn't looking!
So, now I had to throw both of them out. Oh sure... they took their sweet time to pack their bags and leave, and then they came back once in a while - okay,a lot - to visit. But I finally figured something out: instead of slamming the door in their face when they did come to visit, I began opening it and letting them in. We'd have a cup of tea, a few cookies, a good cry... and then I would look at my watch and say, 'Look at the time! I really must get back to my life and positive attitude, proactive work, being happy and grateful for all that I have.' To which, of course, they rolled their eyes, but they got the hint and left. Eventually, they stopped coming by altogether, because if there's one thing grief and depression despise, it's a happy heart! I sure don't miss them - but they sure did teach me an awful lot.
Here are Five Healthy Ways to Help Heal a Grieving Heart: Be aware of what you are choosing as coping mechanisms! Unhealthy coping mechanisms are ways by which we try to escape our pain... alcohol, drugs, eating (too much or not enough), shopping, incessant busyness, becoming a workaholic, etc. If the coping mechanisms you are using are no longer serving you, make a conscious change to healthier ones. A) Get physically active. B) Go out into nature. A walk in the woods or along a river can soothe the soul like nothing else. C) Consider getting a pet. A wonderful friend shared with that his two dogs helped him get through the toughest years. They were always thrilled to see him and their enthusiasm made him smile. They gave him unconditional love and they forced him to get out for a walk - every day! D) Volunteer. E) Read inspirational books and watch uplifting movies, especially comedies. F) Be around positive people who love you.
Honor the hurt! The sooner you acknowledge (admit to yourself ) the full extent of your loss and the seemingly bottomless depth of the pain you are feeling, the sooner you'll be able to heal. When we deny our own truth - as horrific as that may be - we only postpone the healing process. So here's a trick: whenever hurt comes to the surface, don't run from feeling it. Instead, stop whatever you are doing and simply feel the loss, the sorrow, the pain, the hurt, and the anger - then let it go. Yes, you will cry. But the sooner you release those emotions from your heart, the better. Mitch Albom's excellent book, Tuesdays With Morrie, does a beautiful job of explaining the gifts that come from honoring one's hurt.
Express/share what you are thinking and feeling! Talk to a good friend and/or a professional about what you are really experiencing. Be honest! You may be thinking and/or feeling some awfully strange stuff (says I from experience), so the sooner you can get that out of you, the better. The catch, however, is to choose the person wisely. They have to be a good listener, empathetic and nonjudgmental. Most importantly, it cannot be about them. You know that you've found a helpful person to talk to when after leaving the conversation, you feel better than when you started.
Find a positive outlet for the negative emotions! Whether that is finding a way to transform your hurt into something beneficial for others, finding a personal way to honor what or who has been lost, or purely finding joy and purpose in your new life... do something purposeful that is meaningful to you and makes you feel moments of joy again.
Take it one day at a time baby steps! Give yourself permission to make mistakes because you will - over and over again. And that's okay. To me, for the longest time, the grieving process felt like one step forward then two steps back. But the more steps forward I took – no matter how small, the less time I spent beating myself up for having taken any backward. 'The only courage that matters is the kind that gets you from one moment to the next.'- Mignon McLaughlin If we have the courage to truly love in this life, we will get hurt. Grief is a natural, normal and healthy response to the anguish that goes with learning to live without that which or whom we have loved... be that a person, pet, relationship, dream, place - even our old self. Grief has its role - but it's up to you to recognize when it has become more of a hindrance than a healer.
John T. Catrett, III Scissortail Hospice Chaplain 306 North Main Street, Suite E Bristow, OK 74010