People are goung to be celebrating a Happy New Year and making New Year’s resolutions. For many of us, this may have been one of the most difficult years of our lives, and this New Year seems hard to envision as one being better than the last one. Nonetheless, here we are about to launch into another New Year. What are we going to do to better adjust to the reality of the death of our cherished loved one? Here are a few suggestions.
Celebrate life to the full by honoring yourself! You bet. You are a survivor! That doesn’t mean everything is just out of this world wonderful, but this New Year is a time for you to congratulate yourself for coming as far as you have. This New Year is a perfect time to pause and take stock. For us, it’s a juncture to see where the river of time and circumstance has led us, to review some hard lessons of life, and plan what lies mysteriously ahead for us. And if nothing else, to celebrate the fact…we’ve made it this far.
Now how do you honor yourself? By continuing to express yourself and your grief, but also by beginning the New Year by forgiving yourself if you are feeling unforgiving; to admit to yourself that you probably did the best you could for your loved one at the time, or if you didn’t, to seek a final, closing forgiveness from God, your loved one, and yourself.
This being a New Year would be a good time to tell people what you want and need. Whether it’s a trip to the cemetery in your old hometown, baking cinnamon rolls the way Mom used to, or go to your dad’s favorite old fishing hole and drown some worms— do it in honor of the one you loved. But do it for yourself also!
Don’t hold back the tears if the tears are there. Tears, whether public or private, are healthy, and they help us grieve well and grow stronger for the New Year’s challenges that wait for us in the future.
Honor your loved one’s legacy. Writing is good therapy. So, write about your loved one for your eyes only, but something that recalls the true uniqueness of your loved one. This is a healing exercise, and it’s a wonderful way to bare your soul in privacy. Write about what has not yet been shared, or repeat what has been told but has not been said with your perspective and insights. The intimacy and self-expression of writing helps us to keep growing and developing our spiritual bond with the one that’s gone. This acknowledges that your personal, one-to-one relationship with your loved one continues forever. Also, don’t hesitate to include the painful stuff. All relationships include disappointments and shortcomings. When you express them, you can begin to let them go.
You may want to get out pictures and clippings and create a memory album or make a list of your loved one’s best traits. How would you yourself like to be more like him or her? That’s really paying a tribute to your loved one as. you honor the spirit of the individual. You may want to re-tell funny stories, either verbally or written, that an uncle or an aunt told you about your dear one that has died. Do something that confirms that your relationship with your loved one has changed but not ended.
You may also want to share about your beloved’s passing from this life to the next. Even if it was a peaceful and expected event, it is healthy for you to express these thoughts, and it is good for the listener to hear you share your feelings. While it’s true one can get too immersed in reliving the entire ordeal of someone dying, it is also true that unspoken feelings can have an unhealthy effect over the long haul. So, find a good friend who has the gift of listening, and share your heart’s thoughts with that person. Give yourself and your treasured loved one the gift of remembering as you express your true feelings about then--and now.
Finally, how about honoring life itself—and the Giver of life. Is that something that would be pleasing to your valued loved one? Did he or she have a special place where they felt close to their Lord such as a place of worship or a mountain top? How about a favorite camping spot or a lakeside scenic view? If it is a place of worship, why not go to the minister, priest, or rabbi, and ask what significant thing in this place of worship can my family do in memory of this special person? Most religious leaders have a hundred and one worthy projects that need help, and they would be glad to honor your loved one in this magnificent way. And, how about approaching a park ranger or a forest ranger. Ask a similar question of them, and see what their response would be. If your loved one didn’t have any special interests to focus upon, how about just turning your eyes to heaven and simply saying, “Thank you, Lord, for allowing us to have this time together with our handsome husband, fantastic father and a loving grandfather!” This is a New Year. Why not start it off by celebrating with a feast of memories of the one who has gone on to another life. Celebration isn’t only about joy; it’s also about observing, paying attention, and noticing. So go ahead and celebrate the life of a loved one who has meant—and continues to mean—so much to you and your family.
This New Year should be a rite of passage of giving yourself and your family the right to pass to a new stage in your grieving and healing. While you’re celebrating this New Year rite of passage, you will be getting a New Year gift as well as giving one. It will be the gift of loving and lasting communion that binds you to your loved one for eternity.
May I say that we here at Scissortail Hospice pray that you and your precious family will experience “A JOY FILLED AND WONDERFUL NEW YEAR IN HEALING, PEACE AND COMFORT!”
John T. Catrett, III Scissortail Hospice Chaplain 306 North Main St., Suite E Bristow, Ok. 74010 918) 352-3080