Bristow, Oklahoma
Christmas is one of the biggest events of the year. There is so much tradition, preparation, and coming together of families that it becomes a really important event on the family calendar. Christmas is planned weeks, sometimes months in advance, and when there are children around, the focus on creating a beautiful Christmas for them is huge: bringing in the tree,decorating the tree and the living room (or the whole house!), Christmas gift lists, Christmas shopping, menu planning, food buying, baking and decorating the cake, making Christmas puddings, baking special cookies to share with loved ones … the list is endless. So what happens to Christmas following the loss of a child? How does the family cope?
For those suffering the loss of a child, Christmas will no doubt be a time of intense sadness. Whether you’re with others or on your own at this time, the sense of separation is huge, and the sense of loss and loneliness can be almost unbearable.
This time of the year is likely to be one of the most difficult you will ever have to endure. And because you are coming together with family whom you may not have seen for a while, it may be difficult on both sides to know where the boundaries are and whether it’s okay to talk about the departed child. In thinking ahead it is possible to put some strategies in place that will help you to better cope at Christmas time. Here are some suggestions: Decide as a family (your everyday family unit) how you would like to spend Christmas this year. Don’t feel obligated to join in the festivities and act like nothing has happened. You may feel that it would be more supportive for you to spend a quiet Christmas together. Equally, you may relish being surrounded by loving extended family at this time as well as the opportunity to meet with more distant family members. The important thing is to talk about this and make the decision together.
Do not offer to host Christmas this year. Be kind to yourself and your family by keeping Christmas simple. Adding the stress of having a couple of other families in your home for one day or more is not advisable at this stage. Either keep Christmas small and in your own home, or allow someone else to host your family.
Be aware that you may not have the capacity for doing everything you usually do in preparation for Christmas. Consider preparing a scaled-down version in terms of things that need doing. You may find that you just can’t cope with crowded shops because it is too stressful, so consider buying gifts or food online and having them delivered to you instead.
Decide as a family unit how you want to include the departed child in Christmas this year. You may find it helpful to create a special place in your home that is dedicated to the child. Lighting a candle each day will provide a focus to this place and can be used by anyone to sit quietly and remember the loved one.
Take some time to be outdoors. Whether you are with family or on your own, make time to take a gentle walk outdoors. This will help release you from the festivities that you may feel are going on without your being fully present or fully engaged. This will help you relax so you can better deal with the emotions that arise. Of course, it’s always great to get fresh air after eating your fill, but this year it is especially important that you do this.
If you are spending time with your extended family, then let them know what your needs are. Your family can only know how to support you if you tell them. For example, explain that sometimes you might need to spend some time on your own, and if this happens, you will quietly slip away. This will help them know that you are okay, but that you need to be alone. Let your family know whether you want to talk about your child or not; this is one area they really may not know how to approach.
Do what is right for you and your family. You won’t know exactly what is and isn’t manageable until the time comes, so hold this in your awareness, and be prepared to let all the plans fall by the wayside if your needs change. Christmas is a challenging time, and the most important thing is that everyone is supported in whatever way needed. If it means letting other people down, then that’s fine. Preempt this by explaining that all the plans you are making are provisional.
Take it one step at a time. There is no rush. There is no expectation. You already know what really matters. Follow your heart.
My thoughts and prayers are with you at this time. And most importantly, God promises that He will never leave you or forsake you. May I encourage you to pray thisprayeroronelikeit? “Dear Heavenly Father, please help us through this season. I realize that it will get easier as we move forward. We are forever blessed by our time with (name your loved one), and we will rejoice in the good plans you continue to have for us. In Jesus’name we pray. Amen.
John T. Catrett, III Scissortail Hospice Chaplain 306 North Main Street, Suite E Bristow, OK 74010 918.352.3080