What do you do with the excruciating pain of lost loved ones in death, and are these horrible feelings normal or abnormal? Who do you rely on to share these deep feelings of loss? How can you find adequate help that you need? There are answers to these questions.
To begin with, be assured there is nothing wrong with seeking help. We need each other, especially when someone we love has died. And even if you have a satisfactory support system, there is much about grief you may still need to learn, and especially if you had poor grief role models as a child. So what can you do? Here are six sources to call upon as you see fit. It is your grief, and you need to grieve in your own unique way.
The first choice for assistance should be those with whom you feel you have the most trusting relationships. And who is the best listener of the group? Who will allow you the freedom to express your pain without trying to fix you? Who will hang in there with you for the long haul? All friends and family members have their strong points and not so good points when it comes to care giving. You need to figure out which ones you can rely on to be there for you.
Early on in your grief journey you may have no interest in reading; however, at some point, it can be very useful to become aware of the wide range of normalcy in the grief process and the most useful strategies for coping with loss. We all need education in these areas since very little is done in a formal way in the schools. Here are two books I recommend to all members of my support groups: The Mourning Handbook by Helen Fitzgerald and Life After Loss by Bob Deits. They are full of effective practical strategies to help your transition.
Joining a grief support group may sound a little scary, but even though you may have an adequate support network, you can profit greatly from a grief support group. They have trained facilitators and you will learn much from them, as well as other members in the group. You may find a grief companion in the group that you can talk with between meetings, and there is nothing like finding someone who is also grieving if the two of you relate well together. Check for support groups at your local hospital, hospice or church, and be sure to ask about the background of the facilitator.
If you are dealing with a lot of hidden anger, guilt, depression or eating disorders, it may be wise to seek the help of a professional counselor. Once again,check out their credentials (where were they trained, how long have they been practicing, and what are their specialties?) or ask someone you trust to recommend someone. It is best if you can find a counselor whose primary practice is assisting those who are grieving. One trusted organization to contact for grief specialists in your area is the Association for Death Education and Counseling (go to http://www.adec.org).
Obtain information and insights from the many websites on grief. There is much useful information on the internet that can be very helpful to your grief work. Some sites have chat rooms where you can ask questions or join a discussion group. Simply do a Google search on Grief Website and you will have many to choose from. Here are three that I recommend: http://www.GriefHealing.com, http://www.grow.org, and http://www.griefwatch.com.
Finally, there is a wealth of information on grief and coping with loss that is free to download off the Internet, as well as the web sites mentioned above. The sites I am recommending now are seldom suggested to mourners, yet they have a wealth of materials to choose from. Simply go to the site and type 'grief' or 'self-improvement' into the search box and you will have many articles to choose from.
Remember, we all need a little help when grieving. Search for the specific answers to the questions you need answered in this emotionally demanding grief process. There is nothing more important in adjusting to your loss than taking care of and treating yourself well at this time of great change.
John T. Catrett, III Scissortail Hospice Chaplain 306 North Main Street, Suite E Bristow, OK 74010 918.352.3080