We strive to console others in their pain while trying to heal our own broken hearts. In doing so, the one fable we hear most often is 'It just takes time.' It is true that with time, all things in life change; however, we cannot just sit and wait for Father Time to arrive!
I waited for “time” to fix things for me. Oh, my outlook on life did change (for the better), but geez, it took OVER eight years to move beyond the painful emotions of losing a good friend. No one told me there were other options--I need not have suffered in that pain of loss for so long! I often wonder what I may have missed that was precious in my life during those eight years that I was just surviving. Maybe I could have had fond memories of my friend or laughed at myself or giggled with my loved ones that remained or anything positive during that time. Back then I did not know I could ask for help, nor that I could actually take steps to lessen the pain such as doing the grief work and moving through my grief journey in a shorter period!
It isn't our fault that we say this--it just takes time--because it is true. It DOES take time, but that time never ends. There is this big elephant in the room on the subject of dying, death, and grief. It is a hush-hush topic that no one wants to talk about. Yet, it is an event that will visit every household and place itself on every calendar without their permission. Once there, it’s a family member--forever latched on at first like a succubus, draining you dry. But with time, grief work, you become a compassionate person for others who add this member to their family tree. It is my opinion and mission that we must do more to inform, educate, and support each other on this sensitive topic to neutralize the false statements by those who don’t know any better, to those who are grieving the loss of a dear loved one. Unfortunately, those ignorant may not be any wiser until their home is visited.
Our response to each loss or tragedy will be different for each of those we care about in our lifetime. The same holds true for every other person! Do not forget this!! Since we do not know the relationships others shared, no judgment statements should be used. Do not offer suggestions for behavior regarding the deceased. For example, do not say: you should/shouldn’t be alone, don't/go visit the cemetery frequently, get rid of all the memories quickly/slowly, do/don’t replace the loss, do/don't cry, you should feel better by now.
As I write, I am working with a family who are grieving the loss of a parent. There was much anger, bitterness, sadness, and blame between the siblings at the beginning because each implied that the others were not 'properly' grieving the loss. They’ve worked past that now, but those statements of blame have left some raw wounds. Instead of hurt, they now could all be leaning on each other for support. Let's be very watchful as we care for others during the sensitive and emotional periods of grief. We cannot know or understand how another feels, even if we have experienced a similar or the same loss.
In closing here are a few thoughts to remember:
• Please always use caution while being kind; you impress your faith and beliefs on another as it relates to dying, death, grief, rituals, and even the afterlife.
• Never use 'get over' as an end-all process or an immediate recommendation. One never actually 'gets over' the loss of a loved one, and a grief outburst may chime on the hour at any time. With proper help and support, they learn to better cope with the loss.
• Always remain open to allow the person to talk about the loss and their feelings. One might feel that helping is to distract the person and steer the conversation to another topic. Don't push, but if they want to talk about the deceased and their feelings, the best support you can offer is to listen.
May you experience peace, comfort, and strength in realizing you are not alone in your grief journey. God is here to help. Friends are here to listen. The family is ready to love. Ministers, priests, rabbis, chaplains, and counselors are ready to respond to all who are “the walking wounded” after the ugly hand of death has touched their lives and to start the clock of living again!
John T. Catrett, Iii Scissortail Hospice Chaplain 306 North Main Street, Suite E Bristow, OK 74010 918.352.3080